Undiscovered Soul
by Katja1075
Summary: After the war, Snape struggles his way back into a new life. Not everything is safe in the after-war world. Hermione experiences a great loss in her life and Snape helps her through it, feeling he is in her debt. Along the way they become friends and more...
1. Chapter 1

His vision blurred. Severus could barely see the three young people before him. It was too exhausting to keep his eyes open and Severus let his eyelids fall close. His mission was accomplished and Potter had all the information he needed. His debt was repaid.

Cold crept through him and his senses seemed to sharpen. He could feel his heart slowing down. He could sense every single part of his body slowly going numb when he had anticipated he would not feel anything when his time had come. The pain in his throat was severe but it didn't weaken any other senses. _I can smell my own blood. My blood is flowing more slowly every second._ _Death doesn't seem so bad after all_. Then everything went black.

"Oh my God," Hermione cried out aloud. Harry, Ron and Hermione stared down at Severus Snape shell- shocked. His eyes were closed and all life seemed to have left him, his body had collapsed and he didn't move one bit. Blood flowed down his neck and his clothes and he was white as a sheet. Had they really just watched him die? They were still trying to understand what had happened moments ago, when Nagini had attacked him so violently on Voldemort's orders.  
Hermione, however, was the first to recover from her shock.  
The last look Snape had given Harry had shown so much raw emotion that Hermione could not just let him die, that look had deeply unsettled her and she had to make sure there was nothing left she could have done for him. And this last sentence about Harry's mothers eyes… had made her think of Snape as a human being again.  
She knelt down beside Snape and put down her fingers on the left side of his neck in search for a pulse. It hadn't been her conscious decision to do so, it just seemed the right thing in this moment. _I just have to be sure._

"Hermione, what are you doing?" Harry asked. "He's dead."  
"Are you sure, Harry?" she asked him back.  
She slowly removed her hand from his neck and put it back again to be sure. There was a very tiny flutter in his veins and a pretty weak pulse seemed to be left. "Merlin, he's still alive, but only just," she breathed. They were acutely aware they really had to get out of the Shack as soon as possible, but Harry and Ron were still frozen in shock as Hermione now knelt down on Snape's other side.  
She looked up at Harry, both of her hands were now pressing against the gaping wound on Snape's neck. In the last few seconds, some inner voice had told her to help Snape. She didn't hesitate further.  
"Harry, you have to take that vial and leave," Hermione said forcefully, "you have only one hour left. Whatever he wanted you to see, it has to be important."  
Harry hesitated. "Go!" Hermione cried again. Harry slowly started towards the door.  
"Ron, you try to help me with Snape. Come here."  
"What?" For a moment, Ron was speechless. "Are you mental? You really want to try to save the life of that bloody traitor? He killed Dumbledore, he doesn't deserve to be saved!" Ron shouted at her.  
Harry hesitated again when he heard Ron yelling at Hermione. He still wasn't sure whose side he was on here after he had heard Voldemort ordering the attack on Snape.  
"Yes, I am going to help him because right now I can't understand how Voldemort could order his death without hesitation. And who are we to judge him and let him die here without understanding the whole picture? Without a proper trial? If he really proves to be guilty in the end, leave him to the Wizengamot, but for now, I'll try to save his life. So either help me or leave. We have to hurry or he'll die anyway," Hermione said matter of factly. _Damnit, must he always be that stubborn, _Hermione wondered.  
Harry now was sure she did the right thing and finally left.

She reached for her beaded bag and produced a vial of blood replenishing potion and a bezoar. "I'm not even sure if we can do anything to help at all but I just have to try."  
Ron still stared at her but finally knelt down beside her and asked "What should I do?" and muttered under his breath "I still can't believe I'm doing this." Hermione had of course heard it and just rolled her eyes.  
"Here, take these bandages and try to press them as hard as you can against his neck so that he doesn't lose any more blood. I'll try to make him swallow the bezoar and the potion."  
She tried to open his mouth with her fingers a little further and shoved the bezoar inside. Desperately she tried to suppress the thought this was Snape's mouth she was trying to slip the bezoar in. With Snape being unconscious and the damage in his throat she had to find a way to make him swallow and tried to recall the right spell she had read about in one of her basic healing books she had carried around during the last year.

A_bsorbet naturalis_ seemed the right one and she waved her wand. Nothing happened. She tried once more concentrating heavily on the correct wand movement and finally the bezoar went slowly down his damaged throat and hopefully began to drain Nagini's venom out of his system. _If only this is enough for first aid._  
Hermione applied the blood replenisher in the same way and looked up at Ron. He looked into her eyes and still looked apprehensive but at least did everything necessary without further complaining. Snape still bled but finally it seemed to get a little less. She just hoped it was because of the bandages and not because his heart had stopped beating.  
When no new blood seemed to emerge his wounds, Hermione tried to close them with Snape's own spell after Ron had taken his hands away and before the blood replenisher began to work. "Vulnera Sanentur," she chanted gently, "Vulnera Sanentur."  
Additionally she applied the rest of their Dittany potion she had with her. The wounds knitted themselves together and were bright red. "I think this is all we can do, he needs a real healer now," Hermione said.  
She was astounded that his heart still beat at this point. Once again she wondered if it had been right to help him. _What if I'm wrong? _But it was too late for regrets now.

"I don't think we can bring him up to the infirmary, it will already be overcrowded. We should apparate directly into St. Mungo's," Hermione decided aloud. "Ron, please take his other side and we side-along him, okay?" she asked Ron, sounding a bit unsure all of a sudden. She hadn't thought this far when she had decided to save him, perhaps they wouldn't even accept him in St. Mungo's as a patient. _Too late for that now, Hermione. _  
"Okay, he does seem strong enough at the moment," Ron acknowledged.  
At least he was breathing more regular now, although there were still far too much gurgling noises in between his breaths, Hermione thought anxiously. Hermione checked for apparition wards but found none.  
"Come on, it's now or never. Hold on to my hand. Now concentrate on the reception desk in St. Mungo's on three-two-one.. now!" And they disappeared from the Shack with a loud crack, leaving only a big blood stain on the floor.

They reappeared in St. Mungo's and the reception room was totally cramped with injured people from Hogwarts that could not be taken care of by Poppy Pomfrey alone.  
Hermione shouted out loud "A healer, NOW!" and looked around, trying to keep up with Snape's weight. A Healer made his way through all the waiting people and immediately conjured a stretcher and levitated Snape onto it. "I'm Healer Jason Harris. Who are you bringing in and what happened to him?" He looked at the person on the stretcher them and his eyes widened. Before Hermione could answer he had recognized the man on the stretcher. "Isn't this Severus Snape? Why would you bring him here, I don't understand," he asked Hermione, the question and also disgust of the person before him visible in his eyes.  
"We understand you have reservations," Hermione said with a steady voice, "but I have reasonable doubts about his true allegiance and we couldn't just let him die. He was attacked by Voldemort's snake on his very orders. That is enough to doubt his true allegiance for me. You weren't there Sir, but I am sure I did the right thing." Hermione sounded more certain than she felt. _What am I going to do if they refuse to help him?_

Healer Harris did not answer her and brought Snape into what it seemed the last empty healing room on the floor. In his eyes, this young lady certainly had courage and her confidence alone had persuaded him to help Snape.  
Ron had just followed without saying a word and he and Hermione now watched the healer doing his work and running some diagnostic spells. "Using a bezoar was very clever," he said aloud but Hermione stayed silent.  
After a couple of minutes Ron turned to Hermione and tugged on her sleeve. "We have to return to Hogwarts and help Harry, the hour has almost run out. Snape is nowhere near important as Harry and we can't do anything here anyway. I'm leaving, are you coming?" he said, sounding almost angry. "Yes, you're right, we should leave," Hermione admitted aloud. _Why do I want to stay here, though?_ She had to ask herself.

"Healer Harris, we are going back to Hogwarts but we will return as soon as possible and see how he is. Do you think he will survive?" Hermione asked quietly.  
"I don't know yet, young lady, but I'll try. We won't be sure for a couple of days if he'll live I think. And I will make sure nobody knows he is here until you return, that is all I can do for now. At least we don't have to worry that he'll escape. But I want your word that you talk to the ministry that he's here and is dealt with as soon as he is better. You are responsible for him, I am only responsible for his health, regardless of who he is." _Merlin_, Hermione thought, _what have I gotten myself into_. But now it was too late for regrets, they had to get going. "Yes, Sir," she answered and exited the room.

Hermione and Ron apparated back to the grounds of Hogwarts just in time to see a dead Harry carried back to the castle by Hagrid.

Two days after the final battle Hermione, Harry and Ron returned to St. Mungo's together. Their own injuries had been cared for and Hermione felt anxious the check up on Snape.  
After she had learned what Harry had seen in the pensieve she was relieved she had made the right decision in the Shrieking Shack. Harry had immediately shown the memories to Kingsley and explained that Hermione and Ron had saved Snape's life after he was attacked by Nagini on Voldemort's orders. Kingsley had contacted Healer Harris to confirm that Snape was allowed to stay in St. Mungo's and that the very fact he was in the wizarding hospital should be kept quiet. It was better the public didn't know about Snape yet. Besides, Kingsley still had to decide if Severus Snape had to withstand a trial or be amnestied for his deeds. Of course, this was not his decision alone to make, but before he presented the facts to the Wizengamot and the public, he had to be sure what he wanted to go for.  
Snape was now protected by Ministry wards in front of his room in a secluded area of St. Mungo's.  
The fact that Severus Snape was a hero and shouldn't have died being killed by Nagini was what counted for Hermione in the end. She still had some mixed feelings about him as well as Harry and Ron; after all they had suffered from his strictness and viciousness as a teacher, but this that was for sure no reason to just let him die two days ago. The relief she felt that her decision had been right almost made her feel lightheaded.  
At the reception desk, Hermione asked for Healer Harris. Fifteen minutes later he appeared in the waiting area to talk to the three of them. "Hello Miss Granger, Mister Weasley, Mister Potter. At first, my congratulations on…finishing off Voldemort for good." He held out his hand to Harry.  
"It is an honour, Mr. Potter, and thank you for everything you did. " Harry went bright red but managed a "Thank you."  
"You know, " Healer Harris continued talking, "I am very thankful to your friend Miss Granger here who stood up for Mr. Snape. Minister Kingsley made sure I did everything I could to help him survive the day after you've brought him here. After all I have seen here in the last few days and months I am still having a hard time to believe that everything is all over now and that Mr. Snape seemed to have played a major part in helping you defeat Voldemort. Also I am still struggling to understand that you, Miss Granger, had the right feeling about him. To be honest - when I first saw him when you brought him here, I just wanted to let him die simply because he was one of "_them_", but you were so very sure about him that I changed my mind." He took Hermione's hand in his and held it for a moment. Looking in her eyes he said "Thank you for being so insistent, just… Thank you."  
Now it was time for Hermione to turn bright red. Once again, tears welled up in her eyes and once again, she couldn't even say why. _I should be happy about this and not sad, shouldn't I ? And I wasn't so sure when I brought him in as I am now…  
_As she didn't trust her voice, she just gave Healer Harris a small smile and nodded.  
Healer Harris cleared his throat and the emotion that had just shown on his face vanished.  
"Now back to our patient. Severus Snape is barely alive and you brought him here in the very last minute, so to speak. The blood loss was so extraordinary that the blood replenisher wasn't able to help much. We had to give him a blood transfusion. He will recover very slowly and has to stay here for at least six weeks I think. He still has to regain consciousness and we still don't know what effect the snake venom will have to his nervous system. That we can only find out after he awakes. I still wonder if you two also applied the first aid or just brought him in?" he said, looking questioningly at Hermione and Ron. Hermione blushed and looked at the Healer. "I felt a weak pulse after he was injured although we thought him dead at first. But after I felt this small flutter in his veins I started to think what I could do. I fortunately had a bezoar and the blood replenisher with me. It was sheer luck, I guess…" Hermione trailed off pensively.

"That was luck, indeed. But you also did the exact right things, don't underrate what you did here, you definitely saved his life," Healer Harris assured. "If you want to see him now, you are welcome to do so. He is unconscious as I said and most likely won't notice that you're there. You can stay as long as you like, he has had no other visitors yet."

After having passed the two ministry assigned guards, they entered the darkened room, Hermione holding Ron's hand and Harry following them inside. Severus Snape still was as white as the sheets he was lying in and hardly seemed to breathe. He had some large bandages around his neck and a little sweat trickled on his forehead as if he had a fever. Hermione went to his bed and looked at him, Harry had taken the other side and both of them looked at him. "Who would have thought…," said Harry and trailed off. Hermione felt the same way. Ron stepped up beside her and retook her hand. "I'm sorry." Hermione said gently, facing Snape. "I'm sorry we did not trust you. I think we were not supposed to anyway. You did a good job making sure of that." Suddenly tears welled up in her eyes again which she couldn't explain. She hadn't even seen what had been in the memories he had given to Harry and Harry hadn't told them very much, only, that some of the memories had been very personal. _Why the hell do I feel so sorry for him?  
_  
Hermione took a deep breath and squeezed Ron's hand. "Let's leave, there's nothing more we can do for him today. But we should visit him regularly, don't you think? As Healer Harris said, no one else is visiting him and that's the least we could do for him - provide company," Hermione suggested after she had fought down her tears. She also had to fight the urge to just run out the room because at this very moment she couldn't stand the sight of Snape suffering this much any more. Tugging almost violently at Ron's hand they all followed her outside.

Severus felt that he was not alone in the room he was in. Was death like that? Lying in a way too bright room with his whole body in pain? Perhaps he had landed in hell after all. Well, he certainly deserved it. He was able to hear muffled voices but he wasn't able to follow the words. Most of all, Severus felt sad, sadder than he had ever felt in the last twenty years. The feeling hit him with such intensity that he had to ask himself how he could have forgotten it.

The three friends left the room together. "Why should we visit him, Hermione?" Ron said as soon as they had closed the door. "He still is an ill-tempered and vicious person. OK, he's a hero for what he's done, but that doesn't make him a nicer person worth visiting, does it?"  
Hermione glared at him. "How could you say something like that? We don't know all the facts and I'm sure he just had to act like he did. Yes, he was an arse to us most of the time, but we can't just judge him by his actions that we remember of our time in Hogwarts. He has done much more than what we are aware of and Dumbledore isn't here to tell us anything. I think he's the only one who can do that. And like the healer just told us, he had no other visitors yet and I doubt there will be people lining up in front his door in the future. He has no friends left and as it seems, no living relatives, living in both worlds as a spy, just think about it. People on both sides didn't trust him anymore." Ron didn't reply at once but looked understanding. "Just don't expect me to come with you every time."  
The Ministry wards looked at Hermione astounded but didn't utter a word.

Harry, Hermione and sometimes Ron went to visit Snape regularly during the next two weeks, but Snape remained unconscious although he started to look better and was not that pale any more. The scars on his neck were large and still red and visible but they at least seemed to heal very slowly. Healer Harris kept telling them that he was recovering and everything was as it was supposed to be. Hermione still had to force herself to look at Snape's face because he always seemed to look sad and lost, the visits weren't easy for her and every day, she had to struggle more to leave to St. Mungo's.

One evening, Harry and Hermione returned to The Burrow and Hermione let out a frustrated sigh.  
"I start to think he is never going to wake up. I still feel so bad that we suspected him all those years and I just want to apologize, although I doubt he's interested in that at all." Harry had very similar thoughts but was still doubting his own temper once he was able to speak to Snape again. So many things had happened in the past. After dinner Hermione went up to her's and Ginny's room at The Burrow and went to bed immediately.  
She was still exhausted form the last year physically as well as emotionally and the events two weeks ago and the ever present guilt about her parents went through her thoughts. Now that the war was over she was desperate to have them back and just be able to bury herself in her mother's arm for comfort. But she hadn't thought of finding a backdoor to regain her parent's memories after she had obliviated them. There simply hadn't been enough time. _What if I'm never able to bring their memories back? Will they hate me for it? _She turned around those two thoughts in her head over and over again.  
_  
_Hermione had serious trouble sleeping but kept this to herself and didn't tell anyone, not even Ron. Ginny must have noticed but she didn't say anything. Somehow, she felt more depressed now than before the final battle and she couldn't put a finger on it. The dark circles under her eyes became more prominent every day but she didn't notice. Ron did, though.  
Ginny had naturally left for Harry's Room around bedtime, she only let him out of sight very reluctantly and had taken up sleeping next to his side. Hermione suspected Molly was aware of it but hadn't it in her heart to separate the two for the night.

Hermione lay alone in the large bed and turned her thoughts around. She and Ron had kissed in the chamber of secrets but not much more had happened since then. Other things had been more important and neither of them had taken another step into that direction. That only added to her depression, she knew it was pathetic but she desperately wanted to be held in his arms. There was a knock on the door and outside Ron said, "It's me, Mione, can I come in?"  
Hermione let out a happy sigh and sat up. "Of course, come in, Ron."

"Hey", she said as Ron entered the room, "how are you doing?" Ron sat down next to her on her bed and took her hands. "I don't know", he answered after a while, "I still can't believe that Voldemort is gone for good and everything's finally over. I also still try to understand how many people we lost in that final battle and try to realize I will never see them again… like Fred." He sat silent for a minute stroking Hermione's fingers and his silent tears fell on Hermione's hands.  
"The only thing from keeping me fall apart is you, really," he added quietly, looking up and into her eyes.  
"All we need is time to recover, I guess. And rest." she added after some moments. She had to take a deep breath before she could continue. "I still can't manage to sleep more than 1 or 2 hours, it's all nightmares and I don't want to use some bloody potion. Do you think you could stay until I have fallen asleep? I think this could help me ... But only if this is really OK with you," she added silently.  
"Hermione, why would I not be OK with this? I love you, you know, I am here for you, too. Of course I'll stay. And I think your presence will help me sleeping, too."  
"I love you too, Ron, and thank you." Hermione replied without hesitating. Although she hadn't thought about it before, she was sure she loved him back as soon as he had said it. She felt a little better at once and lay back on her bed. Ron lay down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. A feeling of warmth spread through her she hadn't felt in months. Ron bent down to kiss her cheek. "Goodnight, Hermione".

For the first night in months, Hermione slept without one single nightmare and woke up refreshed the next morning.

Harry and Hermione and on most days Ron continued to visit Snape daily. They sat down next to his bed and just kept him silent company. Sometimes he stirred in his healing sleep but even those small movements seemed to be exhausting for him and he always grimaced in pain.  
Kingsley had finally decided to avoid a trial for Snape and had pleaded for a complete pardon at the Wizengamot. Dumbledore's portrait, which had conviently woken up after the final battle, had also spoken in favour of Snape and things were looking good. The final decision was only a couple of weeks away now. The fact that Snape was alive was all over the press now and the public didn't seem to share Kingsley's approach, Snape was still the most hated man after Voldemort now for killing Dumbledore, whatever his reasons had been. Perhaps if Dumbledore's testimony was published the public opinion would change.  
On Friday, Harry and Hermione went alone to see him, Ron had refused to accompany them the fifth time this week and wanted to stay with George.  
Hermione just couldn't bring herself to not visit him and it seemed the same for Harry, although he had almost never left Ginny's side since the final battle.  
They talked quietly while watching Snape.  
"Can you sleep at all, Hermione? I barely sleep at all, most times I find myself back in the veil and when I awake I'm not sure if I'm dead or alive until I feel Ginny beside me. I don't know how to get over all this. Sometimes I dream of my parents like in the Forbidden Forest and I wish I would not have to wake up at all. I just cannot stop thinking about everything. This whole thing with Snape, it confuses me so much. I always hated him and now I don't think I do anymore and this feels so strange. I am relieved all accusations were dropped but what if he doesn't wake up and doesn't even know he's being pardoned and free? I'm turning those thoughts round and round, Hermione," Harry ended sounding desperate.  
"I have trouble sleeping, too, Harry. I see Hagrid carrying you dead back to Hogwarts and I even cry for you in my sleep. And when I wake up and fall asleep again, the other thing I dream of is Nagini attacking Snape and not being able to save him. I am always too slow. Since Ron started sleeping at my side it is getting better but sometimes the dreams keep coming back with a vengeance." Hermione sighed deeply, tears welling up her eyes. "And I am always crying, and I hate crying," she added with a small sad voice.

She looked at Snape again to avert Harry's eves.  
"Harry, look - he's crying in his sleep." Silent tears fell down Snape's pale cheeks and he looked sadder than she had ever seen him. He looked like a lost soul.  
"Please tell Kingsley he must lock these memories away, no one except you or him should know what was in them. He will be furious anyway when he learns you showed them to somebody else…if he ever wakes up," she said quietly fighting down her own tears. _Why does he affect me so much?_  
Harry just nodded and they both fell silent again and while watching Snape shedding silent tears in his sleep. After some minutes, Hermione could not bear the sight anymore and reached out and took his left hand into hers.  
She just could not leave him alone in whatever he was going through at the moment. She still felt bad at how they misjudged him for murdering Dumbledore. Just why hadn't Dumbledore bothered to at least tell someone from the order like Minerva why Snape had done what he had. She grew angrier with Dumbledore for that every day and that also added to her sleeplessness at night. Hermione just could not understand the man's motives anymore when she had always trusted him before. How could he leave this world and let one of his bravest fighters against Voldemort all alone without _anyone _to support him. The last year must have been hellish for Snape.  
At some point during the last few minutes the very man had stopped crying without her noticing.

"Hermione, we should go, it's nearly 7 and he stopped crying a while ago", Harry said and brought her out of her thoughts. "You still look exhausted," he added.  
"I guess you're right. Let's go home to the Burrow." At the same moment she wondered when she had come to think of the Burrow as her home.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : First of all I'd like to thank everyone who put this story on their alert. **

**This it the first story I ever wrote and tried to publish and reviews and alerts leave me very happy. **

**Many thanks to my friend and beta Christine and CRMediagal who encouraged me further to publish this. **

**2. Awake **

Hermione tossed away the newspaper she had been reading while sipping on her morning coffee.  
The Daily Prophet was worse than any muggle tabloid now. All this bloody newspaper cared about was partying and celebrating the death of Voldemort. No coverage on those who had lost people along the way. No word about people suffering from the aftermath. The only thing they did cover was Snape. Snape, the evil spy who had killed Dumbledore and hadn't even searched for a way to keep him alive, at least that was what the Prophet wanted to make everyone believe. _This is disgusting, I can't read this anymore.  
_"What has your knickers in a twist this early in the day?" Ron asked when he entered the kitchen and saw Hermione's expression.  
"It's that bloody thing that still dares to call itself a newspaper," she answered him heatedly. "All they care about is either partying or picking on Snape, over and over again. I can't read this stuff anymore."  
"Then don't," Ron said quietly as he put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Good morning."  
"Sorry, Ron," she kissed him back, "good morning to you, too."  
On some point in the last week, Ron had become her rock and the one person who could really calm her down when she became anxious or upset. She leaned into his embrace and relaxed. "I love you, you know," she breathed into his neck. Ron's arm tightened around her and she felt happy for the first time in months.

After breakfast, Harry and Hermione got ready to visit Snape again. During the last couple of days little had changed in his situation. Healer Harris was still satisfied with the progress he made and was confident that Snape would wake up within the next couple of days. He hadn't cried again while Hermione and Harry visited.

"You coming with us today, Ron?" Harry asked while he gathered his things. He wanted to stop by the ministry again after visiting Snape for today.  
"No, Harry, not today. I think I'll stay with Mom and Ginny and try to help her a bit. Ginny and I want to make her see that her other children are still here for her…", he answered with a sad look in his eyes. George was still devastated by the loss of Fred but Molly also was having a hard time to finally let go and continue with her life and her family. George needed her so much but all she did was prepare the meals and then returned to her bedroom to sleep or stare at the walls. The Weasley children and Arthur were at a loss.  
"See you later, love," he kissed Hermione goodbye and went upstairs again with Ginny to find a way to snap Molly out of her depression.

"Harry," Hermione addressed him as they walked up from the apparition point at St. Mungo's to Snape's room, "have you noticed how much Ron has changed in the last few weeks? I don't know, it's like he has grown up in two weeks or so. He's just.. amazing… ."  
"Of course I noticed, Hermione, he's still my best friend, you know. As are you. You both changed. He just wants to make you feel safe again I guess. Don't think I didn't notice how anxious you've become since everything's over. I can see how you calm down when he is near you. And you help him to get over his loss of George, more than you are aware of. You two complement one another perfectly I think," he finished smiling at her. "And you're right, he _has_ grown up. But I believe that already happened when he came back to us in the Forest of Dean."  
They had reached Snape's room.

Sometimes both of them wondered why they kept coming every day, when nothing seemed to change or improve much but they both never said that thought out loud. Perhaps it was the fact, that up to this point, only Minerva and Arthur Weasley had been his other visitors. Snape really seemed to be alone in this after-war world, which made Hermione feel very sorry for him. She somehow still connected his loneliness to the tears she and Harry had witnessed almost three weeks ago. She kept those thoughts to herself because she still wondered why she felt so affected by Snape's fate.  
**  
**As it had become their habit, Hermione sat at the right side of his bed, Harry at the left side and they continued talking silently. "Harry, will you and Ginny return to Hogwarts in September? Did you already talk about it?"  
Harry sighed. "No, we haven't decided anything yet. I am not sure if I am able to return after all that happened barely four weeks ago. I'm not sure if I can stand the sight of a damaged Hogwarts, it's still the only real home I ever knew. I saw Dumbledore…dying there. All the memories.. I have to think about it some more." He rubbed his eyes as if he forcefully wanted to stop the upcoming tears. "What about you and Ron?" he asked her back after he had recovered a bit.  
"I'm not sure either. I have the feeling after all we have done finishing school seems rather pointless. Good NEWTs seem just so meaningless now after all we've been through, don't you think? Harry, it is so difficult to think about this without my parents to support and guide me. I miss them so much." She trailed off as once again tears welled up in her eyes. Suddenly she realized what she had said to the orphan boy opposite her who hadn't had his parents during the last 17 years. "I'm so sorry, Harry, that was thoughtless of me," she sobbed.  
"What do you mean, Mione?" Harry asked her as if he really hadn't understood her meaning.  
"Me, whining about my parents when you haven't had them in your life at all. Sorry, Harry."  
"It's OK, Hermione, I understand."  
Now that Voldemort was gone, she slowly began to plan the recovery of her parent's memories and would have to start researching soon. She only had to be sure it was really safe to bring them back to Britain.

She looked away from Harry to Snape and sucked in a breath: "Harry, look, his eyelids are moving and his breathing is uneven. Like he's having a nightmare. Do you think we should call Healer Harris?" She stood and wanted to turn and leave the room when Snape's left eye opened. It closed again and then he opened both eyes. It seemed that he tried to take in his surroundings and after a couple of seconds his gaze stayed at Hermione. He just stared at her in wonder and then looked straight into Hermione's eyes. When he opened his mouth and tried to speak nothing more than croaky hiss came out. Hermione turned and went to the door, opened it and cried "Healer Harris!" and hurried back into the room to return to Snape's bedside. His eyes had closed again but as she reached the bed, they reopened.  
Then Healer Harris stormed into the room and looked at Snape and just said "Finally, you're awake."

Severus had heard a woman talking for some time and somehow, she had sounded as sad as he felt. Her voice sounded a bit like Lily's, but only slightly. He was incredibly curious whom this voice belonged to and it took all his willpower to open an eye to take a look. As soon as he had recognized her and she had returned to his bedside she looked straight back into his eyes and he wondered what the hell she was doing here of all people. _**And why am I not dead? **_

Hermione stepped back so that Healer Harris could examine Snape. "If you two could please leave the room as long as I check up on him. Thank you," he said in a very determined voice.  
_Two_, Snape wondered. Consciously, he had only seen Granger and reopened his eyes with some effort to see a young man with messy black hair walk out of the room. So Potter had made it, good.  
_But – what was he doing here? Visting __**me**__? _

Harry and Hermione left the room reluctantly and waited just in front of the door. "I can't believe it, finally he woke up. It was about bloody time," Harry said still looking slightly overwhelmed. Hermione just nodded. The look in Snape's eyes had disturbed her deeply. They had locked eyes for only a moment but she had seen sheer sadness in them after he had recognized her, something she had never seen before. _As if he had expected someone else.  
_Thinking about it, she consciously had never looked into his eyes before that day in the Shack either. "Hermione?" Harry brought her out of her thoughts. "Are you alright?"  
Hermione looked into Harry's eyes and said "I don't know. Snape looked into my eyes for this brief moment in there and he looked so sad, that look is still wearing me down. I'm not sure how to react when we go back in there again. It seemed like he expected to see someone else and not me." She was biting her lip and knotted her fingers nervously.

Healer Harris opened the door. "You can come in again. And don't look so frightened," he added with a smile. "He will heal completely with time. His nervous system has not suffered any lasting damage thanks to your quick thinking. He has to thank you for his life, Miss Granger. Talk to him if you like, but don't stay too long, he is still recovering and quite exhausted." He made way and Harry and Hermione nervously stepped back into Snape's room.

Severus still tried to process what had happened. Apparently, he had woken up in St. Mungo's and was not dead. The healer had told him that he had been attacked by Nagini – he could remember this very vaguely – and that Hermione Granger of all people had saved his life. Together with Ron Weasley. _Unbelievable_. The Dark Lord was dead and Harry Potter somehow was alive. The plan must have worked. He hadn't counted on it, and certainly he hadn't counted on surviving. What he still didn't understand was why these two had been sitting at his bedside.  
The door reopened and Potter and Granger came back inside. _What the hell do they want from me?_

They stood by his bed, Snape only stared up at the ceiling and had no intention to look at Harry in particular. He couldn't stand the thought of Potter looking at him in this weak state. He felt embarrassed.  
"Professor Snape," Harry started sounding very hesitant, but Snape now looked at Hermione and just said one word with his voice hoarse from disuse: "Why?"  
She looked back into his still sad eyes and understood what he wanted to know. _Healer Harris must have told him. Be honest, he'll know when you're not.  
_She started to speak very softly. "Professor Snape, first of all, I am very glad to see you awake. You want to know why I saved you life, don't you?" He nodded slightly.  
"You know, I always had this tiny bit of doubt in me that you were not the man you seemed to be. And the way you reacted towards Harry in the Shack made my decision to help you much easier, although I could not explain it properly to Ron or Harry at the time. I've always trusted my gut instincts and they've never failed me. And Voldemort himself ordering your death was another pretty good reason." Snape flinched at Voldemort's name.

Hermione decided that now was the time to say what had been on her mind for the last couple of weeks. She took a deep breath.  
"We are very relieved you finally woke up. Harry and I wanted to thank you for everything you ever did for us. And – we want to apologize for disrespecting you and always behaving so badly towards you. I am truly sorry for not having trusted you". Snape just stared at her like he could not believe what he had just heard. Well to be honest, he couldn't.  
"Professor Snape, "Harry spoke up silently, "I am very sorry for everything and I want to thank you for helping me despite my bad behavior towards you and I want to thank you for saving my life so many times."  
Harry stopped his rambling. Perhaps this was a little too much for Snape at once.

"Is The Dark Lord really dead?" he whispered weakly. "Yes," Hermione and Harry answered together, "he is. You are free now," Hermione added.  
"We will leave for now and let you rest. We will come back tomorrow morning if that is alright with you." Hermione said. Snape just nodded very slowly and closed his eyes again. "Why are you here at all?" they heard him whisper when they had turned to leave the room. "I don't understand."  
"We wanted to keep you company. And we wanted to make sure you're alright," Hermione answered. She didn't know what else to tell him so she tugged at Harry's arm. "You should rest, see you tomorrow, Professor Snape."

As soon as the door closed, Severus Snape tried to piece together what just happened. Firstly, he still had difficulty to believe that he even was alive. These last few minutes seemed so unreal that he began to doubt his state of mind though the Healer had said his mind was fine.  
The first time ever, Harry Potter had spoken to him with respect and every doubt and all the hate that he had ever seem to have was simply gone. And Granger, that was entirely something else. He had locked eyes with her for not more than two seconds ….and nevertheless it seemed she understood some of what was going on inside him. Although he was not sure of that himself, he was overcome with so many emotions that had been locked away safely in the last years.  
The Healer had told him that Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley had saved his life and Miss Granger had confirmed it. He still couldn't believe it and had absolutely no idea how Miss Granger had begun to doubt his allegiance to the Dark Lord.  
On the other hand – did it all really matter? He hadn't made any plans to survive this war and now Voldemort was gone.. really gone. At least that was what the healer had told him and Potter's confirmation had made it sound real somehow. Severus would have been happy to die in the Shack and his miserable life would finally have been over. But Miss Granger could not have known any of this and now here he was – in St. Mungo's, totally stunned from everything he had learned within the last hour.  
Pain and exhaustion finally took over and he fell into a deep sleep again.  
The next morning, Severus woke up feeling slightly better than the day before. Yesterday's events came back to his mind and a flood of emotions overcame him. _Why am I such a girl, suddenly? Must be the near death experience…._He violently had to fight tears that threatened to fall. _This is ridiculous, __**I. Don't. Cry**__. _He swallowed hard and the tears stayed in. _  
_  
A couple of minutes after he had opened his eyes, Healer Harris entered his room to examine him further. "Good Morning, Mister Snape, how are you feeling today?"  
"A little better, thank you", he rasped, his voice was far from being back to normal.  
"Do you feel any pain?" the Healer asked. "My neck still hurts, but it is bearable. And my whole body seems to have weakened significantly, but everything else seems to be working fine. And I am thirsty as hell." Severus decided to keep his emotionality to himself for the moment.  
"You really are lucky, you know, that Miss Granger acted so quickly and with the exact right measures. If not for her quick and intelligent thinking, you would have been dead within a couple of minutes," Healer Harris told him and handed him a glass of water. "And your voice would have been gone completely, too."  
"What did she do exactly?" Severus asked. "She had a bezoar with her that took care of the snake venom. She also had a blood replenisher with her and from what your wounds and your throat looked like she used a spell to close the wounds from the bite. After that she applied Dittany. It is remarkable that she has such healing knowledge at her young age, and she hasn't even finished school yet. Was she your student?" Healer Harris queried. "Yes, she was and she was the brightest one I ever had," Severus admitted. _That came out far too easy. I don't praise my students. _  
Severus sighed and looked out of the window after he took another small sip of water. "Are you already aware that… your Dark Mark is gone?" Healer Harris asked him cautiously.

Severus' head turned back and he stared at the Healer, he put the glass of water on the bedstand. _It can't be true. _Very slowly he lifted his left arm and rolled up the sleeve of his nightgown. The skin on his arm was pale and unmarked. The fingers of his right hand traced over the now white skin and tears welled up in his eyes he couldn't hold back. "Could you please leave me alone?" he asked the healer choking back the tears, not daring looking up at him.  
"Of course, Mr. Snape." Healer Harris said and left the room silently.

Severus choked back another sob but then his whole body began to shake and he started crying. He was finally free of Voldemort and Dumbledore and now he had his pathetic life back all to himself. The relief of his Dark Mark finally being gone totally overwhelmed him. Severus' tears flooded freely now.  
After what seemed an eternity, the tears finally stopped and Severus was able to calm down and began to think more clearly. Perhaps he was so overcome with emotions _because _the Dark Mark was gone. He definitely was not used to feeling so much at once. He had cried last when Lily had died and then not once again in the last twenty years. If he was honest with himself, he felt better now and was able to think more clearly.  
_How is it possible that I am here in St. Mungo's and not in some cell in Azkaban?  
_His thoughts trailed back to the Shrieking Shack and the words Potter had said to him yesterday. He must have looked at the memories and had shared them not only with his two friends from the Golden Trio but also with the ministry. So now basically the whole Wizarding world knew about Lily, him and his whole miserable life. _Just Great_. He would have to kill Potter for that. Honestly.  
Or he would just have to kill himself, as he still saw no reason to be alive anyway. _Damnit._

Hermione, Ron and Harry still sat together at the breakfast table at The Burrow. "I am really afraid of visiting Professor Snape today, he will be furious now that he had time to think and put together what we have done." Harry said. "Oh yes," Ron agreed, "he will be very angry but we have to get it over with. Waiting will not make this any better." Hermione just nodded and stood up to gather their things. "Come on, let's go."

Fifteen minutes later they found themselves outside Professor Snape's room. The ministry wards were still standing guard to protect Snape. According to the Daily Prophet there were still some Death Eaters around and who knew what they were up to exactly? Kingsley had let them know that Snape was the only one who could identify them at all, with the Dark Mark gone from their arms, too.  
They all took a deep breath, knocked and entered Snape's Room.

**A/N 2 : Please leave a review if you like ...**


	3. Explanations

_**A/N : Thank you, dear readers, for reviewing or putting this story on your alert. **_

_**As this is the very first story I ever tried to write, every bit of feedback is really appreciated to see how I am doing so far. **_

_**Special thanks once again to my beta Christine.**_

**3. Explanations**

After a nearly sleepless night full of nightmares and strange dreams, Severus found himself weary and tired the next morning. After the nurse had brought him his breakfast – Porridge – as his throat was not able to swallow more yet, he felt sleepy again and closed his eyes. Just as he started to doze off, Severus heard a soft knock on the door and slowly opened his eyes. It had to be Granger and Potter, Healer Harris would just have walked in._ Get it over with_, he thought and tried to sit up. He failed utterly. _Stupid body, I am too weak to simply sit up in my own bed. _

The door opened before he had the chance to say anything. Hesitantly, Potter Granger _and _Weasley entered his room. _Wonderful._  
"Hello, Professor Snape," Harry greeted him quietly, "is this a good time for a visit?" Snape just sighed tiredly. "You've already entered the room so I suppose you can stay." His voice was still hoarse and very quiet but sounded a lot better than the day before. It was a wonder he could still speak at all, Healer Harris had confirmed.  
"Thank you", they all answered. Severus was acutely aware that these three people had never said Thank you before when they had talked to him. It felt odd.  
Obviously, his visitors felt the same thing as none of them started to speak.

"Well, now that you're here," Snape started, "what do you want?" At least he didn't sound too harsh, Hermione thought and gathered her courage. She looked directly into Snape's eyes and took a deep breath. "Professor Snape, first of all thank you for letting us in and giving us a chance to talk to you." He nodded which encouraged her to go on. "Perhaps we should start with explaining what happened after Nagini," … she hesitated…"attacked you, if that is alright with you." He didn't say anything so she decided to continue.  
"Harry left the Shack with the memories you gave him and watched them in the Pensieve in Professor Dumbledore's office. I think it is his place to tell what happened after that." She looked at Harry and he continued. "At first, I couldn't believe what I saw. You in your childhood together with my Mom, it was hard to grasp the fact that you were friends and that you fell in love with her when you grew up. Of course, I was aware that you knew her but you seemed to be a completely different person then. Your emotions were – overwhelming for me." He paused.  
„You know Sir, I had a lot of time in the last few weeks to think about this, and I guess I am OK with you being friends with my mom when you were young - and I sincerely hope that one day, you are willing to tell me some more about her. I'd really appreciate that." He looked into Snapes eyes and was not able to detect any emotion or feeling in those black irises. At least, he didn't look offended. Then Snape replied very quietly "I'll think about it."  
Harry lost the ability to speak for a few seconds as he had clearly anticipated a rejection, before he muttered a very silent "Thank you, Sir. That's all I can ask for at the moment."  
After another pause of several moments, Harry continued. "Then I saw the memories of Professor Dumbledore and you, talking about the spreading curse and your Unbreakable Vow to kill him if Draco wasn't able to. I could feel how utterly torn and despaired you were by Dumbledore's request. I really don't know how to express how very sorry I am – we are –" he said, looking at Hermione and Ron, "to have doubted you all those years, especially during the last year. It was you who helped us to defeat Voldemort in the end, and you who brought us The Sword of Godric Gryffindor. Nagini was killed with that Sword during the last minutes of the battle. Neville Longbottom did that, by the way -can you imagine that? That final memory which explained that I was the last Horcrux" – Harry hesitated – "which I had suspected anyway by this point, I went into the Forbidden Forest after the hour was up."

"You knew?" Ron and Hermione asked him, gaping at him. "I was pretty sure, yes. I know you suspected it too, Hermione, I could see it in your eyes. You always looked at me as if I was in danger of dying any minute in these last few weeks." Hermione took his hand. "Gods, Harry, you were so brave." She hugged him hard.  
Snape stayed silent although Ron had clearly expected a snort by now.  
"After you had closed your eyes", Hermione continued to explain after she had let go of Harry, "we all thought you were dead, you had lost so much blood and you weren't breathing any more. I knelt down at the floor to check your pulse, more by instinct than actually having thought of it. I felt a weak pulse and rechecked twice. You were alive. I asked Harry to leave us and watch your memories and Ron helped me to take care of you. We brought you here," she ended.

Harry then told Snape in every detail how Voldemort finally was defeated and didn't leave a single thing out. After Harry had told his story, everyone was silent for a few minutes. Then Snape looked at Hermione with a strange expression which she wasn't able to interpret.  
"Why exactly did you have doubts about my allegiance?" That wasn't a question she had expected but she had no problem answering it. "I can't put a finger on it, there were some things that happened during all those years that just didn't add up, I think. And in this particular moment in the Shack, I just thought that I didn't want to be responsible for your death if there was any chance to prevent it. The key fact that made me doubt is that I just was not able to understand why you would help Draco to avoid killing Dumbledore. A "real" Death Eater would not have helped him while fulfilling his first important task Voldemort gave him, I guess."  
Snape nodded. "I always thought you were intelligent." Hermione went bright red at his words.

He lay back on his bed and sighed deeply. "Well, I guess I should say thank you for saving my life and saving the world from the Dark Lord. However, I think you should know I would have been happy to have died in the Shack that day. I did enough bad things during my Death Eater days that shall now let me end up in Azkaban anyway and therefore I would have preferred death. I'm afraid all you effort was in vain. In fact, I would prefer Azkaban, now that the whole wizarding world should know about my unrequited love for your mother," he snapped angrily.  
"But", Harry cut in, "that is another thing we came here to talk about, and I really have no idea how to say this without you getting any more mad at me, so I'll just say it. I gave your memories to Kingsley Shacklebolt. He is now Minister of Magic. You were acquitted from all accusations and you are a free man now. Besides me, he is the only one who viewed your memories. Now you can yell at me as much as you like." Harry stayed silent and waited for Snape to rant.  
He didn't. He was rendered speechless. _Potter did this for __**me**__? Why would he? How on earth can I answer to that? A thank you, would be wise, Severus. _Potter looked beyond nervous now.  
"Well, Potter, I guess I should thank you for showing my most private memories **only** to Kingsley."

He had to think.

„Can you just - leave me alone for a while, please", he just said tonelessly to them after what seemed like an eternity. "Now, if you would."

"Of course," Harry said and they left the room quietly with Hermione and Ron.

Severus closed his eyes as soon as the door had closed. He didn't know what to feel. The Dark Lord was gone, he was free and he had never felt more far from happy than at this very moment. He didn't deserve to be alive, why had those bloody kids saved him? Why did Granger have that feeling about him and helped him? It just didn't make any sense to him.  
He had been sure that he had made those kids hate him as much as possible and could find no reason whatsoever to doubt him. It could have cost him his life, after all, if anyone had suspected him to be on the right side. He had to survive until the very end, and it had worked, save for Hermione Granger. She had doubted him but had been wise enough to keep this to herself.  
He guessed that the world hated him for what he had done at Hogwarts during the last year, my, he hated himself for it. How could he live on with all he had done. Shouldn't he better go and obliviate himself? He opened his eyes again and tried to sit up in his bed again with all determination he could gather. He was already sick of St. Mungo's although he was only aware of one day that he had stayed there. He was desperate to get out of that bloody hospital. Severus put his feet on the ground and pushed away from the bed. As soon as he tried to stand his head became incredibly dizzy and his sight began to blur. _Damn, _he thought, I can't even walk. He sagged back onto the bed and waited for the dizziness to go away.

The door opened again and Healer Harris hurried in. "Your alarm screen went off, are you alright?" he asked after seeing Snape sitting on his bed.  
"I am so weak and dizzy and all I want to do is leave this bloody place. How long will it take until I am able to walk out of here?" Snape asked impatiently and sounding very desperate. "I think in about a week or two you will be fit to leave this place," Healer Harris answered him and lay a hand on his shoulder. "You have to be patient, your injuries were severe."  
"A whole week? Or two?" He now certainly looked alarmed. "I'm not sure I will be able to endure that." He stared out of the window. A whole more week in St. Mungo's? With nothing to occupy himself than his thoughts – or worse - visits from the Golden Trio? But on the other hand, where would he go from here? His house at Spinner's End had too many bad memories, he did not want to return there with the Dark Lord being gone. Certainly it would still smell like Wormtail there. He had absolutely no friends or relatives to turn to. Dumbledore was dead, Minerva surely must hate him after that last year at Hogwarts. He had no future to look forward to and he was alone.

"Mister Snape, is there anything I can do for you?" Healer Harris asked, interrupting his thoughts. He had spotted the distressed look on Severus' face. "Can I inform anyone that you have woken up, family, or a friend?" Severus turned around and looked at him. "No, there is no one, but thank you for asking." Healer Harris slowly began to understand the empty look in Snape's eyes. He knew the basic facts around Snape from the Daily Prophet but the thought that there was nobody in the background to support Snape with this difficult task was unbearable, or tragic even. Then again there had been absolutely no visitors except Miss Granger, Mister Potter and Mister Weasley, he could thought of that himself. _Stupid, really. _The nurses had told him Arthur Weasley of the Ministry had been there as well as Professor McGonagall from Hogwarts, but the nurses had told they hadn't looked that man was entirely alone and had absolutely no one and he had pointed it out _again_. And although Snape was a hero, most people still hated him for killing Dumbledore. The Daily Prophet certainly did not help with that.

"I will leave you alone then if your dizziness is better now. I just want to let you know, if you need to talk to anyone, you can always come to me. I am a Healer and everything you tell me is confidential." With that, Healer Harris left Snape's room without waiting for a reply.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at the St. Mungo's cafeteria and had all a cup of coffee before them. "I still cannot believe he didn't yell at me. He still looks like Snape, but he seems to be a totally different person." "Harry," Hermione said, "think about it. He said it himself, he doesn't think he deserves to live and now that he is awake and knows that he will recover, he is a not able to see a future before him. I mean, look at ourselves. We are still struggling with everything every single day and we already had a couple of weeks to adjust. And don't forget, he does not have to act anymore, his role as a spy has ended. I just think he is tired of his life. Perhaps he doesn't even know himself anymore."

"Listen," Harry said seriously, "there's something I have to tell you. Yesterday, when I visited Kingsley for Snape's acquittal, he told me there would be one condition for his freedom." "What?" Hermione was shocked, how could they ask _more_ of this man? "Why didn't you tell us right away?"  
"Because I knew you would react like that," Harry answered her with a small smile.  
"What does he have to do?"  
"He has to help the Aurors find the remaining Death Eaters. It seems that there about 15 remaining and now that they don't have a Dark Mark anymore, they are difficult to spot and identify. He assumes Snape knows who they could be and where the Aurors could find them."  
"Even now, he is not completely free. Poor man," Hermione added silently.  
She turned to look at Ron.  
"Ron, why are you so silent, you didn't say a word in there and even now you are as silent as a fish. What is the matter with you?" Hermione asked him worriedly. "Are you okay?"  
"Hermione," Ron answered reluctantly, "I don't think I'll be able to speak to him any time soon. I always have to think about what Ginny told me of this last year at Hogwarts and I cannot understand you, Harry, for forgiving him so easily. Of course he was a spy and had to play his role, but torturing students? Death Eaters in the school having their way with the students, even with the first years? Fighting McGonagall? No, I still hate him, I will try to overcome my hatred, really, but it doesn't seem that I can anytime soon. And now he is free to do whatever he likes? Bollocks."  
That was the longest speech Ron had managed in the last two days.  
"Then why did you accompany us when you still hate him? We could have gone alone. And why didn't you say a word to us? We are your friends, and I am your girlfriend, you should tell me the things like that."  
"I know, Hermione. Please don't look so disappointed. But I wanted to sort this out by myself and you always speak of him like a hero. I didn't want to fight with you about it. I am sorry." he said guiltily.  
"I **am** bit disappointed, Ron, just please - don't leave me out anymore in the future, okay?" She turned back to Harry.  
"I think we should go back, Harry. Ron - will you come with us or will you return home and we'll follow later?"  
"I think I'll go home, see you later, then." He stood up and gave her a kiss. "I love you."

Hermione and Harry returned to Snape's room without speaking. After a short knock they entered, they wanted to get it over with and were still expecting to be yelled at.  
Snape looked up at them, he sat back against some propped up pillows in his bed now. After taking a small sip of water, Snape looked at Harry with a serious expression. "You really did not show those memories to anyone else, not even to you, Miss Granger?" he asked. "No," Hermione answered at once, "he didn't. Harry thought them as too personal to show them to anybody else but Kingsley to let all charges against you being dropped."  
"ALL charges," Snape asked incredulously, "even for my misdeeds during the last year at Hogwarts? How is that even possible?" He looked into Hermione's eyes and saw that she had spoken the truth.  
Hermione thought in the same instant that Snape had never looked so vulnerable. As if he didn't dare to believe her.  
"Sir," Harry began, "Kingsley and I spoke about that after I let him watch your memories. We also spoke to Dumbledore's portrait. He confirmed everything we had seen in the memories and that you were instructed to keep your cover at any cost, even when some of the students were harmed. I certainly don't agree with him on that point, but yes, all charges have been dropped. The Wizengamot only granted your pardon yesterday. There's only one thing that Kingsley wants your help with, he will visit you about it as soon as you feel up to it." "Yes, Potter? Spit it out," Snape asked impatiently, feeling like he was trapped.  
"He wants your help in finding the last Death Eaters on the run. With their Dark Marks being gone as well they are very difficult to identify and you are the only living person who is able to help. Would you consider it, please? As I said, Kingsley will come to talk about this in the next couple of days anyway, but I wanted to let you know in advance."

"Well, Potter, I guess I have to thank you again for your discretion with my memories and giving me an advance warning of what is expected from me. And now, please leave me alone." His tone was dismissive, even with his damaged vocal chords.  
"But Sir, aren't you angry at all, I _am_ a bit surprised you didn't bite my head off." Snape sighed. "Of course I am, Mister Potter, but you acted more mature than I thought you would and it wouldn't change anything to yell at you, so I have to accept what you did."  
Harry didn't know what to say, he could only stare back at Snape. "Well, thank you it is, then. Would it be alright if we keep visiting you, Professor Snape? We have so many questions and so many things we still don't understand."  
"You may return, Mr. Potter, Miss Granger, but please give me a day or two."  
"Yes, of course, and thank you. Goodbye." "Goodbye, Professor Snape," Hermione said and looked into his eyes once more. They were devoid of any hope or happiness and she had to break eye contact after a few seconds that had seemed like minutes to her.

After the door had closed, Severus closed his eyes. What the hell was going on, Potter being so nice and friendly _and_ showing some common sense. And Granger, this look in her eyes again, as if she could see right into his soul. And why had Weasley not come back with them? He definitely needed one or two days to sort himself out before facing any other person. _And why do I feel like crying all over again? _


	4. Discussions

**_A/N : Special thanks to my beta Christine and to everyone who reviews and puts this story on alert._ **

**4. Discussions **

Harry and Hermione returned to The Burrow, but didn't speak much. Snape's behaviour was too disturbing for both of them. When they entered the kitchen, Ron looked up at them from his newspaper. "How did it go, did he finally yell at you?"  
"No, Ron," Hermione answered, "he didn't. He was entirely calm and it seemed that he was even thankful that Harry showed his memories to no one except Kingsley. He seems entirely changed. And depressed, " she added. "We asked if we could visit him again, he asked us to give him a day or two but he still said yes. I can't believe it myself."  
Ron took a deep breath. "I've decided I will accompany you if you visit him again. I do want to ask him myself how this last year at Hogwarts was for him. And I want him to apologize about how he treated Ginny, and I think one day you should let her talk to Snape herself, if he ever agrees to that. Did you two already talk about this?" he asked Harry.  
"Of course we talked about him, Ron, what do you think?" Harry replied a bit disgruntled. "Ginny is still having nightmares about the last year, but now she tries to understand why he had to do it. She will have trouble seeing him again but I think you are right. She should talk to him to get some kind of closure."  
"And when we return to school, and there's a big question mark here, she should be able to walk through the castle without being afraid. But I will wait a couple of days before I ask, there's still time before Hogwarts reopens and there's no need to rush this. He seems to have enough things on his mind at the moment. I think your questioning, Ron, will be enough when we visit him again. He certainly didn't look well as we left him today."  
"Perhaps, but I want to get this over with. And I can't say that I care what other things are bothering him," Ron said coldly.

They didn't revisit Snape for the next two days. Ron and Hermione took a long walk into the woods that surrounded The Burrow and just enjoyed their time together.  
They were deep in the forest and had lain down on the grass on a beautiful clearing, enjoying the quietness of the place and the warmth of the early summer sun. It was June after all.  
Ron circled his hand on Hermione's back and could feel her truly relaxing under his caress. Hermione was on the verge of falling asleep on Ron's shoulder as he began talking to her with a very low voice.  
"Hermione, have you already thought about what you will do in September? Will you return to Hogwarts? You know, I'd like to make my decision _with_ you because I cannot stand the thought of being separated from you more than a couple of hours, let alone a whole school week," he admitted. Hermione smiled and opened her eyes to look up at Ron. "I haven't decided yet, Ron, but you can be sure I will not make this decision without considering you. I can't stand the thought of being alone, too, Ron. We are together now, why do you doubt me involving you into my decisions?" She looked sadly into Ron's eyes. "After leaving you and Harry in the woods that day, I would understand if you still didn't trust me and - most of all, rely on me", Ron admitted to her.

Hermione propped her head on her arm and looked seriously into Ron's eyes. "I do trust you Ron, and I do rely on you. Why would I only sleep well in your arms, then? Why can I only relax fully when you are around? It's true that I was very hurt when you left Harry and me, and I needed some time to deal with it, but I've gotten over it. There was a Horcrux involved and it influenced your thoughts. And you have changed, Ron, you've grown up in these last few weeks." Hermione leaned in to Ron and kissed him fully on the mouth. "I love you," she smiled against his mouth.  
Ron was a little surprised at her boldness but didn't complain. He kissed her back and held her tight to his chest. This was the first real kiss they shared after the final battle. Of course, they slept together in one bed, but nothing except holding each other or each other's hands had ever happened. They had been still too distressed to do anything more and move further physically in their relationship. Ron decided he didn't want to think about this right now and deepened the kiss.

When they returned to The Burrow that afternoon with slightly flushed faces and swollen lips, Harry only grinned as they entered the kitchen.  
"Had a good time, you two?" he asked innocently. "Yes, we did, Harry." Hermione replied, smiling back at him. "This is the first day in months that I feel something similar to happy, I nearly forgot how this felt. The day is so beautiful and it is quite warm outside, what do you think of a barbecue outdoors, just for us four?"  
"That's a brilliant idea, Hermione. I'll tell Ginny and we can prepare something together this evening, what do you think? I don't know where everyone else is anyway." Harry suggested.  
"Sounds good to us, Ron, doesn't it? I'll go and have a shower now, I need to freshen up a bit." Hermione replied with a smile and left the kitchen in direction of the bathroom.

"She really looks happy today, Ron, what did you do?" Harry asked. "I'm not sure of that myself, mate, " he replied, "but I will make sure it stays that way and it gets upwards from now. I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy as well. We really had a wonderful time today, you know." Ron couldn't help but smile all over his face. Harry thought he really looked like a lovesick puppy. He didn't know how he looked when he talked about Ginny so he remained silent and just grinned back.

Six o'clock found all four of them in the kitchen, cutting meat into steaks and chopping vegetables for their planned barbecue. They chattered and laughed and they all left the kitchen in direction of the backyard with trays full of food.  
"You know," Hermione said to all of them, "this is the first time in weeks I am really hungry. Ron, why don't you start the fire, and I'll set the table with Ginny. Harry, what about some cold butterbeer?"

The barbecue was delicious and the four friends had a wonderful time, enjoying each other's company and forgetting all worries beyond The Burrow. They stayed outside long after night had fallen and used the leftovers of the fire to keep them warm and comfortable.  
They didn't hear Molly, Arthur and George returning from their day trip and neither of them noticed that the three Weasleys could only stare in wonder of the happy scene in their backyard. Not even Molly could hold back a small smile as she looked out of their kitchen window.

The next morning, Ron and Hermione entered the kitchen last of all people that currently inhabited The Burrow. Molly looked much better today and everyone had noticed. Ron had noticed, too. "Mom, how are you feeling? Dad, George and you weren't here all day yesterday, where have you been?"  
Molly sighed. "Your Dad and George were finally fed up with my moping around and dragged me out of the house yesterday morning. George intends to reopen his shop next Monday and Arthur decided we should help him to get ready. We cleaned everything out yesterday and today we intend to renovate the shop a bit.  
They also talked some sense into me and let me know how much they still needed me. To be honest, I really was completely out of it. It was about time somebody snapped me out of my depression.  
This shop is so wonderful and brings joy to so many people, especially kids, Fred would have wanted it to reopen soon, and we will help George as long as he needs us. And thanks for asking Ron, I do feel a little better today, although I fear there will relapses in the near future. It's so hard to lose a child, you can't imagine the grief…," she finished quietly but the tears that welled up in her eyes again managed to stayed in. She took a deep breath and pulled herself together.

"When we returned yesterday night, we saw you all in the garden talking and laughing. It made me happy seeing you again like this and it gave me hope that we really have better times before us now."  
"It did make us all happy to see you all like this yesterday night," George added. "I miss Fred so much, but you are all part of our family and we still have each other, we should be grateful for that."  
Nobody felt the need to add something and they all truly enjoyed the first typical Full-Molly breakfast in months. Afterwards, Harry, Ron and Hermione decided to visit Snape again this afternoon. Before that, they still had to discuss how to approach him with the most pressing questions that still hunted their minds.

Severus awoke in his hospital bed feeling marginally better than the day before. He was able to sit up in his bed without becoming dizzy in an instant. He was still counting down the days before he could finally leave the bloody hospital. Nevertheless he still had no idea where to go after he was discharged. The last two days had been filled with thoughts about his past and his future. He had also read a couple of issues of the Daily Prophet to catch up with the news he had missed during his coma, although he still disliked the paper with all his heart. He had tried to read in between the lines of all the gossip and all he had understood that the public seemed to have condemned him for killing Albus. They didn't seem to care about the reasons, which were now publicly known as Kingsley had to publish at least some detail about Snape's pardon. _I can't complain about that, they have every right to condemn me. Then why does it still hurt me so much?_  
As soon as Severus tried to sleep he was haunted with nightmares of killing Albus over and over again, torturing students like he did during the last year as Headmaster and being attacked by Nagini. Occlumency no longer worked for suppressing these nightmares and he had no explanation for it. He was overcome with so many emotions that had seemed to be pressed down over the last couple of years.  
Perhaps he had been injured too severely by Nagini that Occlumency no longer worked for him, but the longer he thought about it, the more he blamed the Dark Mark for restraining his emotions. Of course, there was no proof for that but he'd like to think that his brain had suffered no damage. Or his duty as a spy had just kept him functioning like a Muggle machine. He truly had no idea. Perhaps he really should talk to the Healer, he seemed trustworthy enough.

He had come the decision that he had to make peace with his history some day, otherwise he would not be able to live on. He only could not imagine this to happen any time soon. Hell, he had mourned Lily's death for 17 years now and hadn't ever gotten to some closure. Perhaps he should start with her, for all things he had to deal with.

The future that now lay ahead of him was what he feared the most. All the hatred he expected to meet outside the calm of St. Mungo's. The difficulty to find an occupation for the days he had to fill. Returning to Hogwarts was out of the question, as well as for him as for the school, he assumed. Too many bad memories there. He had saved enough money to live on it for a couple of years but that didn't help the sentiment of not being needed any more. He didn't expect the hunt for his remaining Ex-Fellows to take very long. And then.. what? Every day of his adult life was dictated by his obligations and Severus simply was not used to have "free time". His thoughts turned round and round and hence, his mood had not improved one bit.

A knock on the door interrupted his brooding and he was sure that the Golden Trio would now return for their questioning. _Great_. He uttered a raspy "Enter" and the door opened and Minerva McGonagall stepped inside his room. Severus suddenly began to feel dizzy again and laid back into his bed. He hadn't expected her to come and now he anticipated to receive some well deserved reprimand of her. "Minerva," he said quietly after getting over his initial shock. Looking directly into her eyes, he added "I honestly did not expect you to pay a visit. Have a seat."

"Severus, how are you?" she asked him with a friendly tone but looking rather shocked at the sight of him. Severus let out the breath he'd been holding. "I am OK, still very tired and dizzy but it's getting a bit more bearable with each day. Why are you here, Minerva?"  
"Severus, you're still not one for small talk," she smiled at him, still using that friendly tone. And she _smiled._ She had to be mocking him. "I had to gather all my courage to come and visit you, Severus." She took a deep breath and stayed silent for a whole minute. Severus was stunned into silence by her admission and now awaited her explanation.  
"I came here to apologize for my behavior towards you in the last year. If I hadn't been that narrow-minded and had put one and one together I could have noticed Albus' scheme behind your actions. But I didn't. And that is what I want to apologize for. I am sincerely sorry for giving you such a hard time. And throwing you out of the Great Hall like that," she added.  
Severus was frozen with shock. Of all things expected, this was not what he anticipated when she had entered his room.  
Finally he found his voice again. "There is no need to apologize, Minerva, none at all. Albus had intended to expose me as an evil, not-to-be-trusted Death Eater, who was loyal to the Dark Lord after all. He made sure nobody suspected me, and he did well." _Except for Miss Granger._ He stayed silent for a while. After some time he continued very quietly. "I should be the one apologizing to you for my behavior throughout the last year. What I did to some of the students, especially your Gryffindors, is inexcusable, the way I behaved towards my fellow colleagues and you, is even more unacceptable. It was all an act, you have to believe me that, Minerva," he added, sounding desperate even in his own ears now.  
Minerva nodded. "I do believe you, Severus, but I do want to be honest. Harry Potter came to me and explained your memories and the motives you had, and at first I had trouble to grasp everything he told me. But after I had thought about it for a while, everything clicked into place. I did know about the affection you once held for Lily and before you killed Albus," she said shivering, "I never thought you were a truly bad person. I felt so deceived after you killed Albus and I didn't trust my own judgement any more.  
I have to thank you for all the things you did and I am sorry that your own life stood behind your duty as a spy all this time. I am so very glad you survived and can start a new life now, Severus." She finished her little speech.  
Severus was bereft of his speech once again. He didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed. Everybody wanted to bloody damn forgive him. But he was not able to forgive himself. How could he ever?  
"And what about Albus?" he asked her back. "Don't you hate me for killing him? He still could have lived a month or two. I surely do hate myself for doing it, although it did save Draco's soul. I cannot come to terms with what he had me do for his so called greater good. There is no excuse for killing another person." He sounded desperate for her forgiveness and he hated himself for it.  
"Severus, I can't imagine the things you are going through at the moment, or what you have gone through that last year. I only know it was unforgivable to burden you with all of this. Didn't he think about your soul at all? You can be sure I'll have a word with his portrait about this. And if you ever need to talk to someone, you know where to find me. You have been alone in this too long, after all."  
"Thank you, Minerva. You have no idea how much your words mean to me." Severus replied, feeling suddenly very tired again. His head fell back on his pillow and he closed his eyes for a short moment. "I should leave you to rest, Severus. I would like to come back and talk some more tomorrow, if that's agreeable for you."  
"I am, and thank you for visiting. Goodbye, Minerva." Severus managed. As soon as the door had closed he fell into an exhausted sleep.

Severus slept soundly for almost three hours undisturbed by nightmares, the Healers or visits from the Golden Trio. When he woke up it was already early afternoon and he felt much better than he had in the morning. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders since Minerva's visit. He still felt guilty but somehow he felt like he would be able to get over everything one day. If other people could forgive him, perhaps he would also find a way some day.

Severus slowly sat up on his bed and felt confident enough to try to stand up the first time. He slowly put his feet on the floor and tried to stand with his hands still holding on to his bed. He only felt a small wave of dizziness and let go of the bed. After he felt steady enough, he tried to take some steps around the bed, in case the dizziness came back. It didn't. Then why not try to go to the bathroom for the first time since he had woken up? He detested to pee into that plastic bag. Severus stepped away from the bed and slowly walked into the bathroom.  
He stopped in front of the basin and risked a look into the mirror. The man that stared back at him looked paler than the ghosts of Hogwarts and unhealthier than the Dark Lord himself. No wonder he felt as tired and exhausted as he did. The scars of Nagini's bite stood out in an angry red on his neck. _Perhaps I deserve to look like this. Damaged and broken. _After all he had done he didn't feel like he deserved to recover fully, like the Healer had assured him more than once. His hair looked greasier than ever and he definitely was in need of a shower.  
_Alright, I can stay like that or I can think forward. I don't want to look like this._  
The least he could do was keep himself clean and Severus decided to take a long shower tonight before he went to sleep. _No more useless lying around in bed. _He would leave the hospital in three days without a wheelchair or a cane - and with washed hair.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. "Enter," he called back into the room and slowly left the bathroom again.  
Harry, Ron and Hermione entered his room and were looking quite surprised to see Snape up and walking in a nightgown without help around his room. They were taken aback how thin he looked without all the billowing, thick, black robes.  
"Hello, Professor Snape, you look much better today. How are you feeling?" Hermione asked him. She felt a bit awkward with Snape walking around in only his nightgown but he didn't seem to care. _When she thinks I look better, how have I looked these past few days? _This was no time to dwell on it now.  
"A little better, thank you, Miss Granger. Have a seat, if you like. I have done enough walking for today and will lie down again." Harry, Ron and Hermione all took a chair and moved them around his bed and sat down.  
"Professor Snape," Ron started hesitantly, "as you surely noticed, I didn't speak to you yet and I didn't return with Harry and Hermione the day before yesterday. The reason is - I didn't know how without yelling at you. I am still very angry with you but I'll give it a try. I really only have two things on my mind that I have to know and I do hope to receive an honest answer." Snape sighed and said, "Then spill it out, Weasley. I want to get over this as much as you do, believe me." Severus waited for Ron to ask his question and wondered which two questions the young man might have in mind. He seemed to have changed considerably in the last year, being on the run with Potter and Granger.  
"Well," Ron started, "I need to know how this last year was for you as Headmaster. You already said you hated it but Ginny is still having nightmares and this year has been so horrible for her and I guess I just want to understand what happened at Hogwarts from your point of view. I really have difficulties to imagine you didn't , eh…, enjoy torturing the students after our own experiences with you", he managed to finish his sentence.  
"And your second question, Mr. Weasley?" Snape just asked him back. Ron stared back at him. "Well, Snape, if you don't even want to answer my first question, this is it, and I'm done with you. Go to hell", Ron yelled back at him and stood up from his chair. "Ron," Hermione as well stood up, "be reasonable and calm down. Professor," she turned to Snape, "why are you avoiding the answer?"  
"I´m not avoiding anything here, Miss Granger. I just wanted to try to give your hot-blooded friend here a thorough answer for both of his questions at once. I'm still too exhausted for your tempers so ask your questions and let me answer in my own time."  
"Sorry," Ron mumbled, "my other question is about Professor Dumbledore. I did not see your memories and I don't know everything Harry does, but I still don't see how one can have it in them to kill Professor Dumbledore. He was the greatest wizard we'd ever had and you killed him although he still could have had a couple of months. How could you do that, I think you must have hated him in some way to kill him with _Avada Kedavra_", Ron finished his question with a shudder after mentioning the killing curse. They all stayed silent after what he had said and Snape did seem to think quite long at how to answer this.  
Severus wasn't even sure what to tell these three young people. He would have to tell them his most private thoughts, they deserved that, although he hated to reveal so much of himself. Perhaps this was a part of his punishment.

"The last three years since The Dark Lord's return after the Triwizard Tournament were the worst of my whole life. The last year as Headmaster of Hogwarts still easily stands out as the worst of the three years. Killing Albus Dumbledore was the most appaling thing I ever had to do. Where do I start to explain?" He paused once again.  
_Merlin, this is hard. I don't know how to talk about this. They will never be able to understand. I have to try if I want to make amends. Alright. Breathe in, breathe out.  
_ "You can imagine after Voldemort's return I was immediately summoned to his side and had to swear my loyalty to him all over again. I was most horrified as my Dark Mark began to burn after 15 years of dormancy. When I looked into his eyes again when we met – I have never been more … afraid.. in my whole life. I was not sure my Occlumency would hold after so many years without his attacks on my mind. You know how he looked like, Potter. I don't have to explain how horrifying his sight was.  
The two years that followed were filled with spying for Albus and the Order and serving Voldemort at his gatherings. You don't want to imagine what happened when we met at Malfoy's home. Muggles were tortured or even raped, and before you even ask, Weasley, I managed to stay out of that, and Muggle homes and villages were raided. You all remember the Death Eater attack on London. Every time I returned from one of these meetings, I was sure I would never attend one of those meetings again, may the Dark Lord discover me or not. I didn't care at this point. But Albus always manipulated me into going back and spy to defeat Voldemort in the end. I had made the Unbreakable Vow and wasn't able to turn him down because of it."  
Snape's voice had become very rough from all the talking and he had to stop for a moment. "Would you like a cup of tea?" Hermione asked. "No, I'll just have a glass of water, tea is still too hot for my throat, it causes too much pain. But thank you", he said as Hermione handed him the water.

"Well, after Albus returned from the Horcrux hunt with his blackened hand I had to promise him to kill him when the time had come. I couldn't deny this to him, again for the Unbreakable Vow I had taken 20 years ago. After Bellatrix and Narcissa made me swear another Unbreakable Vow for Draco, I saw no other way to get out of this whole mess. I was trapped.  
And Draco is my godson, I _was_ willing to go to Azkaban for him. But Voldemort had other plans for me, as you are aware. So on this night on the Astronomy Tower I tried to shut out all my emotions and concentrated on Draco and my promise to Albus. I did not hate him, Weasley, although he made my life so very difficult, but he gave me a chance to redeem my sins from my youth and for that, I am still thankful to him. I did not expect to survive, as you all know, and I still don't think I deserve to, but here I am." Snape took another sip from his water.  
"I did not sleep for a week after the events on the Astronomy tower. I could not stand to look at myself in a mirror. When I had to take over as Headmaster, I started to block out all thoughts of Albus and tried to limit the effects that my fellow Death Eaters had on Hogwarts as they took over the rounds and some teaching posts. I had to hex some students myself, including your sister Ginevra, to keep up appearances and I only went with the least nasty hexes I could think of. I am well aware that her impression of my doing must be a completely different one. For heaven's sake, I am sorry for what I did to all the students and your sister, you have to believe me that, Mr. Weasley. There's nothing more I can say. I am indeed very sorry for everything I had to do. I wish I could forget this whole year," Severus ended.

Neither of them said anything for a long time. Ron looked like he tried to convince himself of something, but still fighting it.  
Finally he looked up and into Snape's eyes. "I have to think about what you said. But for now I want to say thank you for explaining everything." He stood up and left the room, whereas Harry and Hermione still sat glued to their chairs in shock. Hermione had to mentally shake herself to find her ability to speak again after Snape's speech.  
"Shall we come back tomorrow, Professor Snape? You do look quite exhausted and your voice is much worse now, " Hermione asked him carefully. Severus turned his head and looked at her. She seemed rather disturbed after his revelations, but what had she expected? Some miraculous completely different explanation?  
Hermione stared back at Snape. She could not understand Ron, why did he even hesitate to forgive him, it was clearly visible that Snape hated himself for everything he had done. And that he seemed not able to continue his life because of all the things he had done.  
At last, he sighed and turned to Harry "No, please ask your questions, I want to get this over with. So, Mr. Potter, what is it you'd like to know about your mother?"


	5. 5 Future

**5. Future **

Harry could only stare back at Snape with his mouth hanging open. Of all things expected, he had not anticipated that Snape came forward with _this_ particular subject himself. Of course he had wanted to ask Snape more about his mother at some point but definitely not now. "Well, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked looking at Harry. Harry managed to close his mouth and gathered himself. "To be honest, Professor, I wasn't about to ask about my mum first. Or today at all." Harry cleared his throat to ask the questions he had come for.  
"One thing I always wanted to know….why you did join the Death Eathers at all?" _Oh, that one. Always the most embarrassing things first. Well, if I want him to understand, I should be honest._  
"And why should _this_ particular event _not_ have anything to do with your mother, Potter?" Snape shot back at him. "I…I don't know, Sir." Harry stammered at Snape's rather vehement reply.  
_Where do I start…? I should have thought about this before they came back._

Snape took another sip from his glass of water and started speaking. "You are aware what I called your mother when I was young, after all you have seen bits of my memories. Long before that unforgivable incident we were good friends, and she was the only true friend I ever had. My fellow Slytherins were mere classmates, but nothing more and they had mostly ignored me up to this point in my life.  
Lily and I grew up together and as children, we were like brother and sister. When I became a teenager, these feelings obviously changed." _How can I tell him this without blushing? _ Severus decided to stare up to the ceiling and didn't dare to look at Potter when he continued.

"I was insecure and shy and not able to tell her about my changed feelings… .  
Because of my increasing awkwardness towards her, our friendship became more and more strained and we grew away from each other. To be entirely frank with you, I avoided her although she tried to approach me several times. Your mother was quite stubborn, just like you, Potter. I didn't know how to talk to her without giving myself away and at some point, I thought it was better not to talk to her at all for a while instead of losing her completely for some misguided feelings. I know how stupid I was but I never learnt how to deal with feelings during my childhood." _Don't go further into that now, _Severus warned himself.

"I started hanging around with my Slytherin housemates and pretended to be interested in their discussions about the new leader most of their parents had turned to by this point. Their agenda began to rub off on me and I was quickly becoming friends with Lucius Malfoy, who was one year ahead of me at Hogwarts. He had already joined that new Dark Lord and tried to convince me that I joined, too. I attended some of those meetings and found myself amongst most of my classmates from Hogwarts. For the first time in my life after Lily, someone gave me the feeling of appreciation and belonging. The Dark Lords so called values began influencing me because I didn't want to think about them and what they meant. I just accepted them… and I wanted to belong somewhere." Snape sighed and stayed silent for a while. "I am aware that this is no excuse, Potter, but I have no other explanation for you."  
„To cut a long story short, I joined the Dark Lord after attending a couple of his meetings. Not long after that, I lashed out on Lily and called her… that word."  
"What happened then?" Harry asked.  
"After I had returned to my dormitory, I realized what I had done. Lucius and the others had heard what happened and even complimented me. I was appalled and locked myself into the lavatory for a while.  
I had truly alienated my one and only true friend. And I didn't care if she was Muggleborn, I had just used the word to hurt her, which I had managed exceedingly well. Only then I realized that I was truly in love with her and wrote her a long letter with my apology … and the confession of my true feelings. She sent it back with her owl, unread and ripped in pieces. I tried to catch her in the hallways to apologize, but she was always surrounded by your Dad and his friends by then. It was the time they started dating and after a couple of weeks, I gave up. A few weeks later I accepted the Dark Mark. I'm not saying it was your mother's fault, before you think that, Potter, it was entirely my own stupidness and delusion that let me join the Dark Lord. But having failed Lily, I saw no other perspective for my future at the time."

Snape leaned back in his bed and swallowed with difficulty. So much talking wasn't any good for his throat. Harry opened his mouth and closed it again. He tried to think of something to say but failed miserably.  
"Professor, we'll leave you for a few minutes to grab a cup of tea, so that you can rest your voice a bit. Come on, Hermione." Harry stammered after a couple of moments, stood and gestured Hermione to follow him. Hermione didn't reply but she was furious with Harry.

As soon as they had closed the door, Hermione grabbed Harry's arm. "Just what do you think you are doing, Harry Potter, why didn't you say anything about what he told you? Professor Snape has just bared his soul to you. And now he most likely thinks you don't appreciate what he just confessed to you." She was too angry to continue. Harry was sometimes too stubborn for his own good.  
"Calm down, Hermione, will you even give me a chance to explain myself?" She took a deep breath and nodded. _His explanation better be good.  
_"I just didn't expect him to be _that_ honest, I think I am just overwhelmed for the moment. But you are right, as always, Hermione," he admitted. "When I go back in there, I'll tell him that but right now, I really need a cup of tea. And some time to think about what I'll say. Come on," he said and urged her to move on the cafeteria. Ron had obviously returned home by now.

Severus had closed his eyes as soon as Potter and Granger had left the room. What the hell did Harry bloody Potter think? He had more or less poured his heart out to the boy.. man.. whatever, and he just left without at least saying thank you? Severus felt embarrassed. He had told Potter the most private details of his life. Potter deserved to know about his Mum but after this, Severus was not sure if he should really tell him more. Perhaps he should just tell him to sod off.

Fifteen minutes later, the door opened again and Granger and Potter re-entered. They put down their tea on the table, sat down again and before Severus could say something, Potter started speaking. "Professor Snape, I am very sorry for fleeing the room like that. I… was a little overwhelmed by everything you told me. I want to thank you for telling me about my Mum and why you joined the Death Eaters. I can only begin to imagine this was not very easy for you and I do appreciate it."  
Severus took a deep breath. _Right. Potter apologized._ And he looked entirely honest during his apology. Now he was no longer able to tell him to sod off. "You're welcome, Mr. Potter", he barely managed saying. Hermione thought he clearly looked embarrassed now that everything was out in the open. _Poor man, only having one true friend in his life. How lonely he must have been. _  
Hermione cleared her throat. "What are you going to do once you've left St. Mungo's, Professor Snape? I've been thinking about this for some time now and I am curious what you plan to do with your life, now that you are free of mostly all obligations," she asked cautiously.

Hermione had only wanted to direct the discussion away from Harry's mom to ease the tension a bit, but as it seemed, her question only added to it. He tensed more, if that was even possible, and sighed once again heavily. _Nosy know-it-all. Always on the spot with her questions._  
"And of what concern is that exactly to you, Miss Granger?" he asked her icily. Hermione shrunk back into her chair, looking humiliated.  
"I'm sorry, Professor, I didn't want to intrude. I have been wondering what I would do were I in your situation and I could not come to a conclusion, and I had simply asked myself if you had. Once again, I'm sorry for asking," Hermione said, sighing inwardly. _So much for lightening his mood.  
_  
Severus had indeed no intention to answer her that question and stayed silent. What Miss Granger could not know that he had not come to any decision yet and she had managed to put a finger into that particular open wound. He still had no idea what to do after having left St. Mungo's in three days time. Only three more days…but at first, he had this conversation to get over with.

"Any more questions for me, Mr. Potter?" Severus asked tiredly, looking at Harry again.  
Harry took another sip of his tea and tried to find the right words without immediately insulting Snape again. He still was a bit surprised on the reaction to Hermione's rather innocent and well-meant question.  
"Professor Snape, I don't mean insulting you so if this comes out a little different than I intend it to, please forgive me. I have been asking myself why you seemed to hate me with so much passion for all these years, and yet helped me in so many ways. I can only guess this has something to do with your guilt in being responsible for my mother's death and my resemblance to my Dad…." Harry trailed off. He was sure Snape's mood wouldn't improve if he said one more word.  
"Mr. Potter, to clear this up for once and for all times : I do not hate you and I never have. I may not have treated you well in classes and in school because all of my Slytherins were watching but I think you have deduced by now that this was mostly an act. This does not mean I liked you because most of the time, you behaved like a bigheaded, arrogant teenager which I was not able to tolerate. The truth lies somewhere in between. You did a lot of things in these six years that deserved my respect and I was never able to show you this. On the other hand you did enough things to lose this hard-earned respect again alone for your stupidity. How could you walk into Godric's Hollow last Christmas, even when you knew it was likely to be a trap?  
I did my best to keep you alive out there this whole year and you nearly destroyed all my efforts in one hour in Godric's Hollow. Thank Merlin that Miss Granger was with you. You would not have survived the last seven years without her, that much is clear." He looked at Hermione, who had turned brightly red at his words.  
"To close this matter, Mr. Potter, I do not hate you, I simply did not adore you like all the other teachers have."  
Harry didn't know what to say. Instead he held out his hand. "Thank you, Professor Snape. In case you didn't notice, I do not hate you anymore. I'm not exactly sure what I feel, but it is definitely more than respect alone." Snape looked at Harry's hand for a long time but Harry never pulled it back so Snape took it and slowly shook it. He felt as if another weight was lifted from his shoulders with this simple gesture.  
"I think we should leave now so that can rest. This had to be exhausting for you," Harry said in a friendly tone.  
"Thank you again for your patience with us," Miss Granger said quietly. "Perhaps we come back tomorrow, if that is okay with you?"  
"It's fine, Miss Granger, and you're welcome. Goodbye," Snape said.  
As soon as Miss Granger and Harry – _when exactly had Potter become Harry?_ – had left the room, Severus let himself fall back onto the bed and closed his eyes. Making peace with Potter was not something he had expected anytime soon – or at all, if he was honest with himself.

Of all questions he had been asked today, Miss Granger's question had disturbed him the most. The one question concerning his own future. His past he could talk about, pathetic as it was, but his future was a touchy subject. He still had no idea what to do in three days time and it was time to think about it.  
The hot shower he had decided on earlier would help to think. Although Severus was exhausted, he slowly stood up again and padded into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He removed his hospital gown and looked into the mirror once again, it wouldn't help to avoid his own sight. The dark shades under his eyes were even more prominent than this morning and his skin was still pale, although his cheeks had a bit more color, perhaps from the discussion with – _Harry._  
However he still had to take his shower and decided not to linger in front of the mirror too long. He turned on the shower and stepped slowly into the tub. The feel of the hot water on his skin was heavenly and he slowly let the water run down his hair and his body and turned the water as hot as he could stand it. The scars on his neck hurt from the hot water but he ignored the pain. It felt like all the aches and the memories of the war were momentarily washed away and sucked through the sink. Severus rubbed his skin with the lavender soap he found in the bathroom until all of his skin was bright red. He didn't care. He hadn't felt this free since…– he couldn't remember the last time he felt a sense of peace and freedom.  
Slowly, all of his thoughts escaped him while standing in the steaming shower and the first time in years, Severus felt himself truly relax. After half an hour, he wrapped himself into a towel and shaved in front of the mirror. Feeling clean and unwound, he slipped into a fresh nightgown, slowly walked to his bed and slept through dinner and the whole night without waking once from a bad dream.

Harry and Hermione returned to The Burrow in the late afternoon. "That was an intense afternoon," Harry said. "Yes, you can definitely say that, Harry. I never expected him to be so forthcoming with everything. I was sure he would avoid the most personal topics, but he didn't. It was almost like he wanted to talk about everything." "Perhaps he did, who knows? But I still don't understand his reaction to your question, Hermione. That was rather strange." Harry answered, as they entered the kitchen to find Ron in front of a pot of tea and a strawberry cake. "Hey, Ron," Hermione greeted him and kissed him on the cheek. "Why didn't you come back, do you still have to think about what Snape told you?"  
Harry and Hermione joined Ron at the table and each took a piece of strawberry cake. "Yeah, I was wondering about that, too, Ron, because I think Snape was very honest with you and there's no way to not forgive him what he did. So what's holding you back?" "I honestly don't know, Harry," Ron sighed. "I believed him when he said he was sorry, I could see it in his eyes. I think I need a couple of days to come to terms with everything, but it was good to talk to him. That's for sure."  
Later, they lay in her bed together and Hermione's hand found Ron's and she stroked it tenderly. "You know Ron, today when you left Snape's Room, I couldn't understand why you were not able to forgive him at once. Snape looked so hurt and vulnerable and sorry, I forgave him everything in an instant. What held you back exactly? I'd like to understand."  
"I'm not sure I can tell you the exact reason, I am not able to grasp it myself, it's just a feeling," he tried to explain. "You know Ron, even Harry was able to forgive him, you should give him a chance. He certainly deserves it."  
"Perhaps you are right – as always, Hermione. Come here." Ron took her into his arms and kissed her good night. They slept well and undisturbed long into the next day.

Severus awoke the next morning feeling much better than the last days. The ever present tiredness seemed finally to have eased a bit and the shower had lulled him into the best sleep he could remember. Perhaps things were looking up a bit at last.  
After the nurse had brought his breakfast, he sipped on a glass of orange juice and started to think about where to go when he left St. Mungo's in two days.  
There weren't too many options. He could always return to the house he had inherited from his mother in Spinner's End but he resented the memories that came with it and the atmosphere there was even darker than in his dungeons at Hogwarts. He would only stop by there to pick up some books and clothing and then try to sell the damned place. Severus tried to imagine where he wanted to live in the future. He wanted light and freedom, openness, fresh air and nature. Few people. Stillness. A picture of a single house on a cliff came to his mind. The scent of the sea that came with the fresh breeze.  
That was it. The sea.  
He would try and look for a house near the sea. Perhaps he would stay at a hotel at first, preferably Muggle, to escape the resent and hatred from the Wizarding world. From there he would start looking for a new home by the sea. Perhaps with a small garden and absolutely no neighbours.  
What else he should do with his life, was still very unclear, but one thing after another. Not all questions could be answered in one day.

In the afternoon, the Golden Trio returned for another visit. Severus had almost gotten used to their presence and didn't resent them anymore.  
"You look much better today, Professor Snape," Hermione said while sitting down in the chair beside his bed. "I do feel better today, Miss Granger, but thank you anyway. A shower can do wonders, you know," he said, almost smiling. Hermione smiled back at him. She seemed to understand the change he had undergone since yesterday.  
She always seemed to understand, and it made him feel sympathy towards her. That was new for him, but he embraced the feeling, she was not the annoying ever-know-it-all any more but a young woman who had seen the same war like he had. He had to apologize for his behavior yesterday. Before he could do so, Harry brought him out of his thoughts . "Professor Snape, Ron has something to say to you if you don't mind."  
"Get on with it, Weasley. I don't bite. Well - not anymore", Severus added. Ron gaped at him. Had Professor Snape just made a joke? He looked at Hermione who tried to hold back her giggles. So she had recognized the joke, too.  
"Professor, "Ron began, "did you just make a joke? Merlin, you really seem to be a different person. Well, what I wanted to say is really.. I forgive you. I thought about what you said all afternoon and couldn't come to a conclusion but Hermione talked some sense into me. She was wondering how I could _not_ forgive you instantly. After I couldn't tell her any real reason, here I am swallowing my pride and telling you that it's okay and I don't resent you any more for what you did.  
And thank you once again for being so open and.. forthcoming, I certainly didn't expect you to." Ron finished and let out the breath he had been holding. He looked relieved now he had managed to get the words out and realized he felt better as soon as the words had left his mouth.

Severus stayed silent. Another person had forgiven him, another member of the Golden Trio. How was that even possible? He could not forgive himself, but all the others seemed to be able to do just that.  
"But…how?" was the only thing he could whisper back, still feeling overwhelmed. His lighter mood had vanished.  
This time Miss Granger gave the answer he didn't know he had longed to hear. "Because you really do regret what you did and if you are not yet able to forgive yourself, we should make a start. We were at war, Professor Snape, and war requires extremes measures, as you said yourself. And you did what you had to, but you hated it. You were always on the side of light, how could we not forgive for everything you have done to win this war? You very nearly sacrificed yourself when you didn't fight back Voldemort and Nagini. You easily could have done that but then Harry would not have stood a chance. You are a hero, even if you don't want to hear it."  
_Damn emotions, how does she manage to always find the right words to bring me on the verge of tears – again_.  
"Thank you, Miss Granger," Snape said very quietly after a while. He looked as he was close to tears and didn't dare to say more to avoid becoming a crying mess before them.  
"I think all important things have been said for now and we should leave you alone. We'd really like to stay in touch with you, Professor, if you are not averse to the idea."  
"I am under the impression I cannot prevent that, so write me if you must. I'll let you know my address. I cannot deny you this after everything you have done for me. Thank you all again for your.. kindness. It was certainly unexpected but not unwelcome at all," Severus said after he had managed to gather himself again.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood up to say their goodbyes. Harry held out his hand to Severus and he once again took it. "Thank you, Professor Snape, for everything and I hope you will find some peace in your life now," Harry said, sounding rather grown-up and honest. "Thank you, Mr. Potter, and you're welcome and I wish you the same. Your teenage years certainly weren't the easiest." Severus let go of Harry's hand. It still felt strange to both of them to behave so friendly towards each other, but they both didn't seem to feel their old animosity any more.  
"One last question to all of you," Severus said as the three turned to go. "Yes, Professor Snape?" Hermione answered, looking curiously at him. "Will you return to Hogwarts to finish your schooling?"Severus asked.

An awkward silence fell and the three young people stared at their feet.  
"Well," Hermione began hesitantly, "we haven't made a final decision yet, to be honest. Thinking about something like school seemed rather pointless to us after the last year. And we don't know if we are ready to return to Hogwarts, so much has happened there." Hermione didn't know what else to say.  
"You know," Severus answered her, looking quite serious, "you should not let Voldemort win this one, too. He should not have the power to let you leave your education unfinished, even in his death. I can imagine returning to Hogwarts will be difficult, though. Talk to Minerva, I'm sure she is willing to help you in every way she can. Think about it."  
"We will, Professor Snape," Hermione answered, "and thank you." They all finally said goodbye and left Severus to his own thoughts.

After they had apparated back to the Burrow, they discussed what he had said. "He's right," Hermione said as they entered the kitchen. She grabbed one of the cookies Molly had just made and sat down at the kitchen table. "We should not let Voldemort dictate the end of our education. He could as well have won the war then. We should return to Hogwarts, as difficult as it might be."  
Ron had poured three cups of tea and sat down at the table to join Hermione. Harry remained standing and glanced out of the window. "What do you think, Ron? We wanted to decide together." Hermione asked.  
"I think he's right, too. I hadn't seen it from this perspective yet, but he's right. Voldemort's gone and we should try to live a normal life. Including finishing school, as much as I hate learning. I'm so out of practice after this last year. I hope they at least repaired the Quidditch pitch at Hogwarts.  
Harry, what about you? You didn't say anything yet," Ron asked.  
Slowly, Harry turned around, looking somewhat agitated. "I know Snape's right but I don't see how I can return there for school. After all I died the last time I was there. I know we already discussed returning to Hogwarts several times but I always thought in the end we would decide to not return there. But Snape is right, as much as I loathe to admit, and Voldemort must not take this last school year away from us. And I'd like to leave Hogwarts with good memories, if possible. We have to return, and Ginny has to come, too. I don't know how to persuade her yet, but we still have nearly two months until school starts."  
"So that's decided then?", "Hermione asked. "We will all return to Hogwarts?"  
"Yes," Harry and Ron answered together.

Severus hoped he had given the Golden Trio the right advice. But not finishing school would have done them nothing good for the future. Of course, they were war heroes and could find a job anyhow, but finishing Hogwarts with a good ending could have a positive effect on their personal traumas, too. And they would be safe until all remaining Death Eaters were caught. Severus was sure that they would want revenge for killing Voldemort and go after Harry and his friends at some point. He hoped the Aurors would be fast enough with his help. At this thought, Severus began to wonder when Kingsley might contact him for his help. There hadn't even been an owl yet, only the message from Harry.  
Another knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts again. "Enter," he said and the door opened and Minerva came into the room, carrying a large bag.  
"Hello, Severus. You look so much better today. How are you?"  
"I'm ready to leave the place the day after tomorrow and I feel better, thank you, Minerva." Severus answered and looked at the large bag, raising an eyebrow at Minerva.  
"These, Severus, are some clothes I gathered from your chambers at Hogwarts. I didn't think you had anything else to wear except a nightgown and your blood soaked robes, am I right?" She asked him.  
"Indeed, but you shouldn't have bothered, I could have easily transfigured the nightgown. But thank you, anyway."  
"Have you decided what you will do, when you leave here tomorrow?" Minerva asked him.  
Severus sighed and took a sip from his water glass. "Yes, I have, but only yesterday. I will sell Spinner's end and buy a new house near the sea. I want something bright and open, no more dungeons in my life, I suppose."  
"What I will do for a living I haven't decided yet, there's enough money in my Gringott's vault for some time and I do not tend to make a rushed decision here." Severus looked at Minerva to see her reaction. She looked into his eyes and smiled. "That sounds wonderful, Severus. You certainly deserve some happiness and light in your life. Be sure to invite me some time, I do love the sea."  
"Of course, Minerva," Severus answered somewhat relieved. He wasn't sure why he still awaited criticism on his decisions.  
"I have a request, Minerva," Severus started, a little unsure how to continue because he still was new to being friendly and caring about others openly without embarrassing himself to no end. It was difficult being his true self again after 20 years of acting. He had wondered in the last couple of days if he would be able to find himself again deep down inside.  
"Of course, Severus, go on," Minerva encouraged him.  
"You know Potter, Granger and Weasley paid me several visits in the last week and I asked them today if they would return to Hogwarts to finish their education. They hadn't decided yet and I tried to make them see that they should not let Voldemort win over their education.  
If they come back, please look after them. Especially Potter and Granger, they seem a bit more traumatized than Weasley. Perhaps give them different chambers or something, I don't know, but I think they will suffer from their memories when they return," Severus ended, unsure what else to say.  
"I promise, Severus. Although I must admit I _am_ surprised how you actually seem to care about these three. I was sure you still didn't like them." Minerva replied, grinning at him.  
"I do not _like_ them, but I don't find them as bothersome as I have in the past," he replied, feeling embarrassed how much he gave away from his emotions now. He was now sure that the Dark Mark had suppressed everything. Or his near death. _Damnit_, it didn't matter. He was nearly as open as a book now for Minerva as well as anybody else.  
He nodded instead of thanking her.  
"I will let you know how they decided, Severus. I'm afraid I have to return to Hogwarts now. There is still so much rebuild but we should be able to finish until September. I'll write in the next couple of days. Goodbye Severus."  
"Goodbye, Minerva, and thanks again for the clothes."

Two days later, Healer Harris did his final check up on Severus and supplied him with a large number of potions for the coming weeks.  
"You will use all of these potions daily until they are empty, in about two weeks time you should be feeling quite normal again. The tiredness will subside and the weakness will become less. Try and get some fresh air every day, it will do you good and will strengthen your immune system. Come back in two weeks for your last check up, Professor Snape. Now, do you have any further questions?" Healer Harris asked him.  
"Yes, actually I have. Where is the next floo I can use to leave this place? I don't want to be seen if possible, I don't think I am able to handle this yet, to be honest."  
"Come with me to my office, you can use the floo there. The only public floo connections are near the reception desk, but I agree that wouldn't be a good idea."  
Severus closed his trousers and buttoned up his shirt. He took his cloak but didn't think of using his school robes. They were much too formal for just leaving St. Mungo's.  
"I'm ready, Healer Harris," Severus said, "and thank you for putting me back together. I hope I am able to appreciate it with time."  
"You're welcome, Professor, but the most important things to help you survive were still done by Miss Granger. You should thank her. And now come on, let's get you out of here."  
Severus took in his words with unease. He still felt he hadn't thanked Miss Granger enough for her efforts on saving him. Severus pushed the thought away.  
He took one last look around his room, which had become his secure isle during the past weeks that he had been awake. All the hatred and fuss that would welcome him now had stayed outside this room, for which he was thankful.  
In Harris' office, Severus said his goodbyes, grabbed a bit of floo powder and stepped into the hearth saying "Spinner's end" and left St. Mungo's.


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N : Many thanks again to my friend and beta Christine and of course to everyone who has favorited or followed this story so far. An extra thanks to those who reviewed. It's a wonderful feeling to get a glimpse of your thoughts about this. _**

6. Birthday

Severus stayed in a Muggle hotel on the west coast of northern England near Liverpool during the whole month of July. He had rented a room with a nice view on the local beach and the sea and had nearly fully recovered from his injuries at the end of the month.  
The long walks he had taken along the coastline had done him good and his face had gained more color than it had ever had before. He was still surprised how he looked every time he glanced into his mirror in the hotel bathroom. Slowly he had come to terms with the fact that he was still alive, although he felt it was still entirely undeserved. The feeling of survivor's guilt was ever present and Severus was still having a hard time to enjoy even the little things and pleasures he had now in his life. Time was the thing he now valued most. He had no agenda for most of his days and he still was learning to adjust to the fact. It wasn't easy.

The only moments where he was able to find some peace and contentment was during his long walks along the coast. His mind was able to rest when Severus inhaled the salty air and the view on the sea somehow always calmed his thoughts down. As soon as he came back to his hotel room, he was feeling restless and his sleep never returned to be as good as during this one night at St. Mungo's after this heaven-like first shower - which left him now with an almost ever-present tiredness.  
If he hadn't gain such a tan, the dark circles under his eyes would have looked much more prominent. Severus didn't dare taking a sleeping draught because he knew he would become dependent on it in no time at all. Healer Harris had told him during his last check up he had to come to terms with his past and the nightmares would most likely stop then. Of course he was right and Severus hadn't needed the Healer to point this fact out. But it had only been one and a half months since he had woken up. He simply had to give himself more time.

Additionally, the search for a new home was more difficult than he had anticipated. Of course most houses were in the middle of villages with lots of noise and neighbours. He was done with noise and too much people around him and was desperately searching for peace and solitude after 20 years at Hogwarts with very little privacy. The stay at the hotel was nerve-racking enough, although it only had 10 rooms.  
Finding a house that stood isolated and not too run-down at the same time was like searching for a needle in a haystack. In the middle of July he was fed up with the hotel and searching on his own and hired an estate agent. The first offers he received contained a few houses on the coasts of Wales and although he hadn't planned to search or live there, he took a closer look at the brochures. It seemed like the estate agent had understood what he searched for and he now looked at a small white cottage in Holyhead in Wales. The cottage was outside the small village on the south side of Holy Island, standing alone above the steep coast with a nice view on the sea. There was a small piece of land belonging to the house and it looked rather perfect to him. _I'd have everything I ever wanted there_, he silently admitted to himself. _  
_There weren't any pictures of the inside but he would want to take a personal look anyway before he went there with the estate agent. Severus decided to act on his first positive impression, took the brochure and the address and apparated from his room directly to Holyhead.  
He walked a couple of miles before he reached the house. He wanted to take in the landscape and the surroundings and had decided not to apparate directly to the house and take his time. When Severus approached the cottage, a feeling of rightness overcame him. It was cosy and small and white with a black roof and several small chimneys, a typical old English house. On the little white garden fence sat a sign "For sale" and the house and garden looked as if the house had been uninhabited for quite a while.  
Severus stepped inside the front garden and opened the door of the house with a silently muttered _Alomohora_.

Stale air greeted him as he pushed to door open and Severus stepped inside and found himself in a small corridor with dark wooden floor that was in dire need of cleansing and polishing. He stepped through the next door and entered what appeared to be the living room. It had a large fireplace and the same dark wooden floor. The living room was quite large and also contained the space for a dining table and a couple of chairs in front of the open door that led to the kitchen. Not that anyone would visit him, except the Golden Trio and Minerva perhaps, if she stood by her word. The kitchen was definitely nearly as old as the house and he would have to buy a new one at any rate.  
Upstairs he found a bright and large bedroom with the bathroom directly attached to it as well as two more smaller rooms he could use.  
Downstairs again, he found another empty room opposite the kitchen that would be perfect for his books to be organized in a small, personal library. The house had no cellar but Severus wanted to avoid any cellars or dark places from now on anyway – _no_ _more dungeons – ever again_, he thought. Severus already tried to imagine himself sitting in an armchair near the fire and felt that he was in the right place. The house was not too expensive but he would have to find a job again sooner than he had anticipated. Some much needed renovations would also reduce his savings but he couldn't care less. The house was worth it.  
For the first time in years, Severus started slowly looking forward to his own future. It was quite a strange feeling for him, being able to decide whatever he wanted without being manipulated by Dumbledore into something or having to explain his new living circumstances to the Dark Lord. For the first time in over 20 years, Severus felt free.  
_This feels good – and I shouldn't fight the feeling any longer.  
_Severus apparated back to the hotel to make an appointment with the real estate agent.

On the morning of his 18th birthday, Harry opened his eyes and found Ginny smiling at him. "Happy Birthday, love," Ginny said and gave him a long, lingering kiss. "Thank you, Ginny," Harry said breathlessly and wrapped his arms around her to return the kiss. Things heated up in no time at all.

Half an hour later, Harry unwrapped his presents from Ron and Hermione and found that he was truly happy with the start of this birthday.  
During the last month, all four of them had enjoyed the summer in every possible way. The weather had mostly been warm and sunny, as if England had deserved a nice summer after all the darkness during the last years. They had been swimming in the nearby lake almost every day and had gained a nice suntan and a good shape out of it. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny felt carefree for the first time in their lives and thoroughly enjoyed it. Ginny had even agreed to return to Hogwarts with them without making a big fuss of it and had also agreed to meet with Snape before school started again.

Hermione tried to ignore the returning thoughts about her parents and made herself believe it was still better that way. _It's been a year now since I obliviated them_… it seemed much longer to her and so much had happened during that year. So she constantly pushed the thought of what could be away and tried to enjoy the life she had now, which worked well enough most of the time during the days. The nights still were a problem. When she woke up in the middle of the night she always remembered dreaming about her parents, Harry's death or Nagini's attack on Snape. The last two nightmares she could push out of thoughts because they both were alive, but the dreams about her parents left her uneasy and anxious.

The Daily Prophet had stopped insulting Snape weeks ago because there were absolutely no news about him. The Reporters still had to found out his whereabouts.  
Harry, Ron and Hermione had given an interview about him and after that, the press slowly had changed their coverage and the public opinion had turned. More and more people began to see him as a rather tragic war hero. It only seemed that Severus Snape simply had disappeared from the Wizarding world after he had left St. Mungo's. It seemed to be the best thing he could have done.  
The Paper mostly ignored the threat of the still free and on-the-run Death Eaters and led the public to believe that everything was safe and the Ministry was in control of everything. From what Harry had learned from Kingsley, that wasn't quite true, but nevertheless, they felt quite safe now.

Snape had written to Harry only once and told him his temporary address and that he was getting better but that had been all. Harry had written him back if he would agree to meet Ginny in August before school started but had not received a reply yet. Perhaps Snape wasn't looking forward to that particular conversation and delayed the answer deliberately, Harry thought.

After the typical large Molly-like birthday-breakfast, a large brown owl tapped at the window and Harry let it in. It was Professor Snape's owl. Harry gave the owl a piece of ham and untied the letter attached to its feet.

_ I received your letter asking for an appointment with your friend Ginevra.  
As I am currently moving into my new home, I would propose to meet at August 20__th, __around 4 pm.  
You can apparate directly to my house, I will lower my wards for you. The address is at the back of the envelope and I would appreciate it if you didn't share it with anyone else.  
Severus Snape  
P.S. Happy Birthday, Harry. _

Harry looked up at his friends after he had re-read the small note three times. "Can you believe it? He called me Harry _and_ he wished me a happy birthday," he said, sounding stunned and held out the note to Ron and Ginny. They all looked at it but Hermione was the first to say something. "Why shouldn't he call you Harry? He is not your Professor any longer and he loved your mother almost his entire life. You're the closest thing to family he has left, don't you see that? Please don't say you feel put off by that," Hermione said unnerved.  
"But," Harry returned, "he has never liked me and he never called me anything but Potter. I guess I am just surprised. Of course he can call me Harry. Perhaps I should call him Severus then," he added with a grin.  
"Perhaps," Hermione answered, "I don't think he'd be that peeved about it. You were there with us in the hospital, he treated you with respect, as an equal, even. You shouldn't address him as Professor anymore, you're past that."  
"I'll have to think about that," Harry answered absently, looking like he was already considering what she had said.  
Hermione thought about suggesting Harry to invite Snape to his birthday party in the evening, but finally decided against. It was still a bit early in their relationship for that. They weren't friends or anything, although she would have liked it if he had been there. She suspected he could use some company.

In the evening of Harry's birthday, their closest friends arrived at the Burrow for a big barbecue. Even Professor McGonagall had been invited. The night was warm, the food was good and they felt like celebrating the first time in a year.  
Minerva approached Harry after dinner to say her goodbyes and thanked him for the invitation to his birthday party. "This is the first 18th birthday party I have attended in the last 60 years, I think. I am honoured, Harry.  
Also, I am very relieved that the four of you decided to return to Hogwarts for your final school year. As a present, especially to you as well as your friends, I can tell you that you will have separate chambers at Hogwarts. You will be given something similar to a small flat with two bedrooms, one for you and Mr. Weasley, the other one for Miss Granger and Miss Weasley. There will be a living room that connects the two bedrooms that you can share in the evenings and for your homework. I am aware you still need each others company, especially when you return to the castle. If there is anything more I can do to lighten your stay for your final year- my door is always open for you, Harry," Minerva finished her little speech, smiling at Harry, who was stunned into silence for a moment.

"Thank you very much, Professor McGonagall, you have no idea how much this means to us. It will make things a lot easier for us, I hope," Harry said, looking as if some burden had been lifted from his shoulders. "You're very welcome, Harry. That's the least I can do for you." Minerva answered, still with a smile all over her face.  
Shrugging his shoulders, Harry said quietly: "You know, I actually feel bad that our house mates won't have the same privileges like we are going to have. They will think we receive a special treatment just because of who we are."  
"I've thought about that as well. We will fix the sleeping arrangements for all the seventh years if they want them. I don't want them to feel less worthy as well. Now enjoy the rest of your birthday, Harry." She gave him a quick, tight hug and apparated back to Hogwarts.

Harry returned back to his friends and sat back down in the grass next to them. "You won't believe it, but it's still true. Professor McGonagall just told me that we will have our own chambers at Hogwarts. Two bedrooms and an additional living room. The other seventh years can rearrange their place to sleep as well, but we are the only ones to have chambers of our own. Of course the bedrooms will belong to Ron and me and Hermione and Ginny," he said with a smirk.  
"No chance," Ginny said and wrapped her arm around Harry, "I will not be able to sleep without you by my side – no offence, Hermione – and I'm sure McGonagall knows exactly how our sleeping arrangements will be. We're of age, there's nothing she can do anyway."  
"There isn't," Hermione said with a smile, "and I am grateful Professor McGonagall gave our feelings so much considerations. Now I feel much more at ease with returning to Hogwarts and not being forced to sleep in our old dormitory with all the others. We wouldn't have had one single minute to ourselves." _And they would all be aware of my nightmares. And I would miss Ron so much. _ Hermione yawned and kissed Ron on the cheek. "I'm tired, sorry Harry, but I will go to bed now, I'm not able to keep my eyes open any longer. You follow later, Ron?" she asked.  
"Yes, sleep well" he answered and gave her a quick kiss. "Good night, Hermione."  
Harry turned to Ron and Ginny. "You think we should tell Luna and Neville as well?"  
"Yes, why not. They will be happy about this, too," Ginny answered.

Several hours later, a slightly tipsy Ron stumbled up the stairs and entered his room.  
"Hey Ron," Hermione greeted him in the darkness. "Hey Hermione, sorry if I woke you up." "You didn't, Ron," she answered, "I just couldn't sleep. When you are not next to me, I really have trouble falling asleep at all." "Then I am sorry it took me so long, Hermione," Ron said, while he took off his clothes. Because it was so warm, he decided to sleep only in his boxers and slipped into the bed next to Hermione.  
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Ron. It's Harry's birthday and I should be able to relax without you, but I can't. I definitely have to work on that," Hermione said, sounding a bit down.  
"Come here, Hermione," Ron whispered and wrapped his arms around her, "it's only been two and a half months, give yourself a little time. Perhaps I am able to distract you, you know," he said, sounding self-confident.  
Hermione turned in Ron's arms and her mouth met his. Their kissing very soon started to heat up and became quite passionate. After a couple of minutes snogging, Ron broke the kiss, panting slightly. "We really should stop here, if we continue this I might not be able to stop. I love you so much, Hermione." Hermione gave him another soft kiss on the mouth. "Then don't stop. There's no reason to wait any longer and I feel like it tonight," Hermione whispered seductively, not quite sure herself where her sudden self-consciousness came from. It just felt right to take things further tonight, to make their relationship complete and show Ron the love she felt for him. "Are you sure, Hermione?" Ron asked cautiously.  
Instead of answering him, she pulled Ron on top of her and started kissing him again. Soon, their tongues were intertwined and Ron's hands found their way under Hermione's night shirt. "Take the damn thing off," she laughed and Ron was happy to do just that. At some point, he had gotten ridden of his boxers as well and Hermione whispered a contraceptive charm.  
_This is it, I am about to lose my virginity. _She was a bit afraid of the pain she was about to feel but she was also sure that Ron would do nothing that hurt her too badly. When she couldn't wait any longer and her body felt like she might explode any minute with passion, Ron understood and rolled once again on top of her. He slowly eased her legs apart and lowered himself into her. Hermione almost felt no pain at all. She moved her hips to encourage Ron to go further and as soon as he was buried completely inside her, she knew she had never felt that complete.

The next morning, Hermione awoke once again in Ron's arms. Ron was still slumbering peacefully which gave her a chance to reflect on the last night. She had never expected sex to be so relaxing and so good. Somehow she had always expected it to be all around the men having their fun and not getting anything out of it for herself. She simply hadn't believed all the girls talk in the Common Room. They had of course exaggerated about sex being mind-blowing but it certainly was something she wouldn't mind repeating regularly. She could slap herself that they had waited so long, it would certainly have helped her to get rid of the tension she felt most evenings. And Ron had been.. incredibly sensitive and thoughtful, something she hadn't really expected. She felt happy and almost like it was her birthday, too.

The remaining weeks of the holiday were spent with gathering their school things at Diagon Alley and preparing the return to Hogwarts.  
As August 20th arrived, Harry and Ginny prepared to leave to visit Snape. Ginny felt more and more nervous as the clock approached noon and suddenly thought it wasn't such a good idea to visit Snape any more. Her stomach had made the decision to return the breakfast and as she was able to leave the bathroom again, she met Hermione on the stairs. "You look like hell, Ginny. Are you still that afraid to meet Professor Snape?" Hermione asked her concerned. "I know it's stupid to be afraid of him, but I can't help it. But I have to go, I have to get over this," Ginny answered sounding very undecided contrary to what she said.  
"Would it help if I came with you?" Hermione asked her. "You would do that? I'm not sure but I think having Harry _and_ you with me, might let me feel more safe, although I do know it's really stupid. I know that Snape's not the man he was last year any more. Thank you, Hermione." "You're welcome, and now let's go. We shouldn't be arriving late, that would certainly not give us a good start."

Downstairs, they met Harry and went into the garden. "You're coming with us, Hermione?" Harry asked. "Yes, Ginny feels safer that way and I don't mind seeing Professor Snape again. I wonder how he's doing. And I'm curious where he lives." "OK then, let's go," Harry said and took their hands and apparated directly to into Severus' front garden.

_A/N 2: Please don't kill me for Hermione having her first time with Ron..._


	7. Trust

_**A/N : Thanks again to my beta Christine and to everyone who was reviewed or still follows this story. Hope you still like it. A bit more Severus and Hermione for you in this one.. **_

**7. Trust**

The three of them landed in Severus' front garden. Hermione looked around her incredulously. She certainly hadn't known what to expect of Severus Snape's new home, but _this_ definitely was not what she would have thought of. A white house with a stunning view in an open and beautiful landscape? For a moment, she was speechless. Harry and Ginny didn't seem to notice that anything was amiss with their surroundings. "Are you sure this is the correct house?" Hermione just had to ask them. "This looks so very unlike Snape." At the very moment, the front door opened and Snape came out of the house – _his _house, Hermione reminded herself. She just hoped he hadn't heard her comment. Harry seemed to have realized the meaning of her words because he now stared at the sea and the cliffs with his mouth hanging open.  
"Welcome to my new home," Snape said and added, "come inside." For a moment, Hermione thought he looked proud when he said "my new home" and perhaps he actually was. The place certainly was beautiful enough to be proud about it. She almost hadn't recognized him. Apart from his slightly deeper voice, he had quite a tan and looked healthy and fit. _He looks good. _

She followed Harry and Ginny into the house. The dark wooden floor she stepped upon seemed old, but was polished and very very classy and fitted Snape perfectly. The walls were painted white and everything smelled still new and fresh. Snape turned around as soon as they had reached the living room. Only then Hermione noticed he wore Muggle clothes. A black jeans and a white button-down Shirt. She decided it suited him far better than those teaching robes.  
"Would you care for some tea and scones while we talk?" he asked with a much louder voice than he had talked with at St. Mungo's. "Yes, thank you," Harry said, still staring at Snape with his mouth hanging open. "What is it Potter, spit it out", Snape snapped at him as he became aware of Harry's staring. So there was a little bit of the "old" Snape left inside this man.  
"It's just," Harry started hesitantly, "you have changed so much since we've last seen you. Your voice sounds so different. Much louder than in St. Mungo's and slightly different than.. well…than before Nagini's attack. And this house is certainly not the house that we expected you to choose for living, but on second thoughts I can see it suits you somehow."  
"Do tell – how do you think this house suits me? I would like to hear your thought on this, particularly because I don't think you know me at all. So how can you seriously think this" – he looked around himself, "would suit me if you've only seen one blink of my life's memories plus my role I had to play at Hogwarts. Presumptuous as ever, Harry," Severus sneered.  
But he secretly had to admit, he was curious what Potter – Harry – thought. The Golden Trio was the first that had ever seen his house that he had only finished renovating during the last week. Harry took another look around and his eyes stopped lingering over the dining table and the stunning view on the sea. He gathered his courage and tried to think of a reply that wouldn't offend Snape any further.

"This house certainly guarantees you quietness and solitude. Something that you haven't had in years I guess. And light, something you certainly didn't have in those dungeons of yours," Harry replied calmly with a small grin on his face. "And – what unsettles me most to be honest - your skin actually has colour. I always thought you were naturally that pale," he tried to joke.  
Snape laughed. He laughed. Hermione couldn't believe it. "Let's leave it at that. But look at yourself, Harry," Snape answered. "You have a suntan that most certainly beats mine and you gained muscles over the summer that I never thought you possessed. Perhaps we all changed a bit over the last few months, what do you think?"  
"You're right I guess," Harry answered. Severus turned and went into the kitchen to prepare the tea. He felt a bit unsettled due to Harry's sudden insight, but he had spotted the reason why he had bought this home exactly. Of course he would never admit this to Harry, he didn't even dare to fully admit this to himself.

Ginny hadn't said a word since they had arrived and Hermione stood by her side and took her hand. "Everything all right?" she asked Ginny and squeezed her hand. "I don't know, Hermione. This man seems not to be the man I suffered from at Hogwarts last year, he certainly is different. Of course he is still not the nicest person and his tone could be friendlier, but you were right, Harry, he really seems to have changed as much as you told me. I really am not afraid of him anymore and that certainly feels strange after this last year. I could not believe it until five minutes ago," Ginny answered quietly, so that Snape couldn't hear her from the kitchen. "Now I feel stupid that I had you come here, too. Sorry," she added embarrassed, looking at Hermione.  
"It's alright Ginny, never mind." Hermione let go of Ginny's hand and had a look around the living room. There were two light grey sofa's and a large fireplace. The view from the dining table was simply beautiful and the afternoon sun played around with the whitecaps on the sea. It was a view to behold, Hermione thought. She as well could imagine why Snape had bought the place, she would like it herself.

Snape reemerged from the kitchen with a pot of black tea and scones that looked like made-in-heaven. "Before you ask, I bought them in town, the bakery makes better scones than Hogwarts' house elves. Have a seat, all of you," he said with a smirk and gestured them to sit down.  
"Now, Miss Weasley," Snape began with a change in his tone as he poured tea in all of the cups, "I know you have to be uncomfortable around me, but be assured, you have nothing to fear from me. Not anymore. And perhaps you know that these two managed to disarm me already in their third year," he added, sounding bored.  
"You must wonder why I now seem quite different than during my years at Hogwarts, especially my last one as Headmaster. The first reason, obviously, is that I had to act both for Voldemort and Dumbledore. The second reason has to be that I do not have the Dark Mark any more, as I am sure Harry here has already told you. I have come to believe during these last weeks that the Dark Mark supported my act as an evil Death Eater. Nasty words came a lot easier for me than they do now." He paused. "What I want to say is that during your last year, Miss Weasley, I put up an act to be evil towards you and your friends. I also tried to protect you and your friends against the Carrows wherever possible but the act to be evil was not so trying because I think the Dark Mark supported my dark personality tendencies. I had to give you detentions but I tried to keep you out of harm's way as well.  
Now that the Dark Mark is gone, I have trouble imagining putting up an act like last year again. I don't think I could do it any more. At least I think I would not be able to delude people so easily."  
He paused and looked out of the window. Then Severus draw a deep breath and continued. "I am thoroughly sorry this last year has been so terrifying for you. I sincerely apologize for my behaviour, not only against you, but also your friends. I am aware I cannot undo your last school year, but I do hope the next one will be a lot easier and happier for you," he added sincerely.  
Ginny didn't know how to answer that. She had anticipated that Snape would apologize like he had to her brother and her friends, but the sincerity and his whole personality change were much too take in at once. His almost black eyes looked at her with so much honesty and openness in them that she could not hold back her words any longer. "Professor Snape, to be honest, I am still struggling with the fact that you are the very same person as the Headmaster last year in Hogwarts. I mean, I did not see you," she hesitated and had to clear her throat before she continued,"…killing Dumbledore. I only know what Harry saw but now I am here in your house and your dining room I can't imagine you how you were able to do this. I really can't.  
The man I see before me today is open and not hiding anything behind a mask, the man I knew during my last school year was sinister and terrifying," Ginny said very softly.  
"Miss Weasley, thank you for not shying away from the facts and speaking frankly. It seems to me you all have grown up during this last year. If you have any questions, whatever they might be, I will answer them for you. That's the least I can do," Severus answered gravely.  
Ginny looked him directly in the eyes. "What was it like – killing Dumbledore?" Harry and Hermione simultaneously draw in a sharp breath. "It's alright," Severus said calmly. "I told her she could ask everything, that included." Severus turned his head and looked out of the window. After a couple of minutes he began to speak.  
"The day that Albus asked me to kill him was perhaps worse than the day of the act itself. From this very moment on I knew I was doomed. It felt like a countdown not only to his death, but also to mine. At least to the death of my soul. During the months leading up to that day I was not able to sleep more than two hours at a stretch and my thoughts rotated about how I could avoid this whole mess. I was clear about the fact that Albus was dying anyway and I know I owed it to him to fulfill that oath I took for your mother, Harry. But nevertheless I desperately searched for another solution and I found none, as you are aware. The more time passed, the less I slept and my temper grew worse. I honestly can't remember the teaching I did during that time.  
When the day came and I saw you at the Astronomy Tower, Harry, my worst fears came true. Not only was there no way of _not_ killing Albus anymore, but now you even had to watch it. Of course, that made the deed even more believable to the Dark Lord but I never wanted you to witness this, although it fulfilled the purpose to make you hate me even more. When I cast _Avada Kedavra_ I felt nothing. At the very moment I thought my soul had left my body and the last bit of decency had finally left me. I felt totally numb. For hours. My Occlumency shields were as strong as iron walls when I went to _Him_ afterwards and the feeling of numbness inside me was what kept me alive."

Ginny didn't know what to say to this at first. They all seemed to have held their breaths through Severus' narration.  
"Why do you still call him the Dark Lord?" Ginny asked next. That seemed to catch Severus off guard. "I honestly can't answer that. Habit, I guess. But you are right, even I should now be able to call him by his name," he admitted. _Strange that I have never thought about it._  
"Thank you for your honesty, Sir. I can imagine this must not be easy for you, talking about the past. I appreciate that. I think I can now get a glimpse at what you went through before- and after Dumbledore's death," Ginny said with conviction in her voice.  
"Miss Weasley," Severus answered, "thank you for your kindness, but I don't deserve it. I did what I did and nothing will change that. And – I have to admit – talking about it helps." _You talk entirely too much, Severus, shut up. Confessing to teenage girls shouldn't make you feel this much better. But it does. _

Ginny looked at him and smiled. "At least I can be sure now that you won't show up in my nightmares any longer. I replace my old image of you with this new, tanned one," she said with a grin. "I imagine your nightmares have to be much worse than mine. And please call me Ginny."  
"You are very welcome, Ginevra, and I am relieved you find yourself able to think of me as a different person at all. Sometimes I still have trouble to believe everything myself," Snape said with a deep sigh.  
They were all silent for a while and sipped their tea and enjoyed the scones. Even Ginny managed to eat one of them and now certainly had more colour in her face than before their trip to Snape.  
Some dark clouds could be seen over the sea but the sun was still shining over Holyhead and Snape's house.  
"Professor," Ginny said after a while, "I don't intend to be rude but I think I need some fresh air. I feel a bit dizzy and it was certainly a lot to take in for me. I'd like to go for a short walk if you don't mind. And it is quite beautiful here."  
Severus nodded. "Of course, feel free to go as long as you like. The air around here certainly helps me clearing my head, I do understand."  
"We'll accompany you," Harry said and laid his arm around Ginny.  
"No," Hermione said, "you two go and I stay here with the Professor. It's alright for me."  
They all finished their tea and Harry and Ginny left. For a while, both Severus and Hermione watched them walking towards the cliffs. Somehow, it didn't feel awkward to be alone with Snape, Hermione realized.  
"Professor Snape," Hermione started but was at once interrupted by Snape. "Please do stop this Professor nonsense. I am no longer your Professor or your teacher. Call me Severus, you did save my life and I think we are all past any formalities now," Snape said, sounding rather impatient.  
"Alright, S-Severus," Hermione answered taken aback by his rather harsh tone, "although I will have to get used to it. What I wanted to ask is if Kingsley contacted you at all on the search for the remaining death eaters. The press did not write very much about them in the last month but I believe they would have mentioned it had anyone been captured."  
"Yes, I have been contacted by Kingsley several times during the last couple of weeks, but the Ministry is still searching. I supplied them with all information on safe houses and hiding places I could remember, but nothing has helped so far. But why are you even interested, now that you and your ministry friends have generously left me that task to fulfill, it's none of your business anymore," Severus replied sarcastically.  
"So," Hermione replied heatedly, "now that we managed to grant you a pardon and the ministry wanted _you_ to fulfil this task, it's suddenly none of _our_ business anymore? I don't think so, Severus. These remaining Death Eaters might still be after us, the famous Golden Trio, as you like so often to remind us, and still it would be none of our business. You can't honestly think that. That's insolent.  
However, I do hope these last Death Eathers are arrested soon. I will certainly feel more safe then, and I still think it is _my_ business," Hermione said emphatically.  
Severus didn't reply but stood and levitated the tea cups and dishes into the kitchen. Of course she was right, but he wouldn't admit it to her. He didn't want to be constantly reminded he had to search for his former acquaintances again. He had enough trouble to name all the places he remembered to Kingsley with having to relive all his memories of those places all over again. She didn't need to know that. He put the dishes into the sink and reemerged from the kitchen.  
Hermione stood in front of the window and looked at the sea, silently fuming as it seemed. He decided to try to change the subject into something he knew she liked and would make her forget their earlier discussion.  
"So, Hermione, would you like to see my library then?" He asked with a mischievous grin on his face.  
Hermione decided to let it go, she hadn't come here to argue with him. Death Eaters were after all a delicate subject.  
"You have a library here? Of course I'd like to see it, Severus." It wasn't so hard to call him by his name, Hermione thought, but it certainly was still unfamiliar that he now called her Hermione as well. She would get used to it and somehow it felt natural after today's events, even after their disagreement. She followed him through the door she had seen earlier and had wondered what could be behind it. A potions lab would have been her first thought, a library had not been on her mind. As Hermione entered the room she stopped at once and had to close her eyes. After she had opened them again, she slowly began to trust what she had just seen. She had never seen a more beautiful library before. The walls were painted in a very dark blue. The book shelves were of a very beautiful dark wood, like olive or walnut, and were bolted directly into the walls. In front of the window stood a dark brown leather armchair, aside a very beautiful standard lamp for the evenings. She loved the room at once.  
"Wow," was all she managed to say.  
"You seem to approve of the room," Severus said with a smirk. She took a step forward and took a look at the first shelf to her left. "This is the most beautiful room I have ever seen, Severus. Congratulations. I didn't know you had talent as an interior designer," she said, smiling at him. Severus didn't know what to say to that. He certainly liked his library and had put a lot of thought into it but a little colour and matching wooden shelves had not been too difficult to find.  
"You know, the dark blue is perfect for a library. Most people go for a dark green here, but I love this dark blue. And it matches your wooden floor perfectly. May I?" she asked as she pointed at one of the books. She seemed to be totally unaware of his sudden speechlessness.  
"Of course," Severus managed to answer. He was still in awe that she didn't mind to be alone with him in his house. At some point during these last minutes the very realization had hit him. Why hadn't she accompanied Potter and Ginevra? Was it politeness? Was it curiousity? If he were in her place he would most likely still be afraid of himself. He snapped out of his thoughts and watched Hermione taking three books to _his_ armchair and _his_ desk. Somehow he didn't mind her doing this. "Feel free to read what you like, but be aware that I possess also some quite dark books. I'll be taking care of the kitchen." He turned and left her in his library and heard her saying thank you. He was still not used to being thanked at all. Today left him feeling quite peculiar and confused.  
He cleaned up the dishes and put the remaining scones in the fridge. Severus had decided on a Muggle kitchen and was very happy about it. Cooling spells didn't do most food any good over a longer period and he didn't like to go shopping every two days.

Half an hour later, Hermione emerged from the library and found Severus on one of his grey sofas in the living room. "Sorry, did I drive you out of your own library? I tend to forget myself when I am surrounded with books," she said apologetically.  
"I already noticed this tendency at Hogwarts," he answered, looking up at her. "Never mind, I _did_ invite you inside my library."  
"You have an amazing selection. Some day, I hope to have one like this myself."  
"This is only half of my books, I'm afraid. The ones I have here I brought from my old house, but the rest is still at Hogwarts in my old chambers in the Slytherin dungeons." Just as Hermione wanted to ask why he didn't go and retrieved them, a lightning illuminated the living room and a growling thunder followed shortly after it. A sharp knock on the door followed at once and Severus went and open the door for Harry and Ginny.

They stumbled inside the living room. "The weather changed so quickly, we had to run back here as fast as we could," Harry said, totally out of breath. "We didn't dare to apparate any more as soon as the storm started. Can we use your floo to go home, Severus?"  
"At least this you could remember from your apparating lessons- never apparate when there's a thunderstorm around. But unfortunately, I am not connected to the floo network, Harry, I didn't want the ministry to know where I live, except Kingsley of course. I am afraid you have to stay until the thunderstorm wears off," he said, "I'm sorry for this inconvenience," and looked like he meant it, despite his rather bored tone.  
"Perhaps we should let Molly and Ron know we are still here and explain our situation. I don't want to worry them, it's nearly seven now," Hermione suggested after a while. The rain now splashed heavily against the windows and the frequency of thunder and lightning was nearly frightening. "I'll send my patronus." She took out her wand and chanted Expecto Patronum. Her silvery bright otter appeared. Severus had never seen it and found it fitted her perfectly.  
"Molly, Ron, we are still at Professor Snape's. Please don't worry about us. There is a severe thunderstorm outside and we couldn't apparate back in time. He is not connected to the floo so we will stay here until it's over." And the Patronus was off with a wave of her wand.

"Well, as this weather seems to stay with us for at least the next hour, would you care for some dinner? I certainly can't compete with Molly but I am able to cook something acceptable," Severus asked them.  
After the scones and the tea they had in the afternoon they shouldn't have been so surprised about Snape's offer but they were. Severus looked at three open hanging mouths and six eyes wide opened. At the very moment, Ron's Patronus rushed into the room and snapped them out of their astonishment on Snape's offer.  
"Thank you for letting us know, Hermione, we were already worried about you. Come back as soon as you can and be safe," Ron's voice said.  
"He still seems worried about your staying at my house, maybe he thinks I've already locked you into my non-existent dungeons," Severus said, not sounding sure if he was honest or joking.  
"Nonsense, thank you for the offer. We'd love to stay for dinner, can we help you with anything?" Hermione finally answered Snape's question. "No, I think I can manage," Snape answered, went into the kitchen and closed the door behind him.  
"Can you believe all this?" Harry asked Ginny and Hermione as soon as the kitchen door had closed. He leaned back on the sofa and sighed. "During some moments I do wonder if this really is Professor Snape," he added.  
"I know what you mean, Harry, but I really believe he has changed," Hermione said with insistence. "This afternoon he even let me alone in his library. I've never seen a more beautiful personal library ever, I fell in love with it instantly. It's just behind this door and I could have stayed there for hours. At some point I did realize Severus had left me in there all alone and he didn't seem to my mind that much. In fact, he seemed a bit unsettled that I praised his choice of the library's interior so much."

The thunderstorm outside never seem to lessen within the next half hour and sometimes the wind jolted at the windows and the front door. At some point they had all fallen silent and only watched the spectacular weather outside.  
The kitchen door opened and Snape carried plates and glasses inside and began to prepare the dining table. "Please, Severus, let us help you," Hermione insisted. "If you must," he answered and swept back into the kitchen. A heavenly smell of roasted chicken and potatoes emerged from the kitchen. Harry opened the bottle of white wine Severus had brought from the kitchen and poured a small glass for everyone. The dinner that Severus brought from the kitchen looked delicious and it now occurred to all of them that a Potions master also had to be apt in cooking.  
Conversation over dinner was light and centred around their return to Hogwarts. He was relieved to hear they would return and Minerva had followed his advice. Severus asked about their possible career choices which none of them was able to answer yet. Around nine the thunderstorm was still raging outside and had not lessened one bit. Severus stood to clear the dishes away. "Perhaps you should make yourself familiar with the thought to stay here overnight. The weather does not seem to improve anytime soon," Severus said awkwardly and left for the kitchen. "I could transfigure the couch into a bed for Hermione and I have a second bedroom upstairs for Harry and Ginevra," he continued and came back into the room. Hermione thought he sounded embarrassed by the whole situation he found himself in with the three young adults. Perhaps he was.  
"To be honest, I did not expect my guest room to be used ever but today seems as good as any to inaugurate it." _I still don't know why I even bought a second bed but now it seems like a good choice._  
"Of course I would understand if you would like to stay up until the weather has cleared, I don't expect you to feel comfortable around me during a whole night," he added with his eyes looking to the floor now as none of his guests had answered to his suggestion right away.  
He turned and went into the kitchen again and shut the door firmly behind him to let them discuss his offer. What had made him offer them to stay the night anyway? Of course they would stay awake and leave as soon as possible. No one in their right mind would stay with him for the night, especially not Ginevra Weasley after this last year, regardless of what she said earlier. _Stupid_, he thought. Now he had made a complete fool of himself by thinking they would truly be no longer afraid of him. Perhaps he had been too overwhelmed by Hermione's unbiasedness around him this afternoon.  
A sharp knock on the door brought him out his reverie. "Severus?" It was Hermione. "Everything all right?" She asked. How could she sense through the closed door that he was feeling totally out of sorts right now. He took a deep breath and tried to bring his face back into the old impassive mask and opened door. "What is it, Miss Granger?" He barked at her. The reaction on her face was what let his mask collapse in a second. She looked – frightened. He'd done it again. He inhaled deeply and felt like an utter fool. He still was useless in dealing with people without his "Death Eater personality".  
"I'm sorry, Hermione, I didn't mean to upset you. I only needed a moment for myself," he answered honestly.  
"We thank you for your offer and had decided to stay but now I think it's not a good idea. You clearly seem to need some time alone. We will leave as soon as possible," she said, sounding very businesslike now. He didn't like it.  
"I am sorry for my reaction, as I said. I am not used to such friendliness as you have shown me today and I still find myself at a loss with how to handle it. Please stay, if you'd like. All of you." Severus said sounding quite distressed now. Another thunder rolled over the house as if to emphasize the meaning of his words.  
"We will stay, Severus, and we understand," Harry told him. Severus looked up and his eyes locked with Harry's. "Thank you," Severus said and meant it. "I am going to finish the kitchen and will then see to your beds. Perhaps you'd like to inform your family about your staying here."  
He saw Hermione flinch a bit at the word family and wondered why that was as he went back into the kitchen.

When Severus came back into his living room, one of his couches had already been transfigured into a comfortable bed. Harry, Ginny and Hermione all sat on the bed together and read in one of Severus's books. "I hope you don't mind," Hermione said, looking up at him.  
"No, I told you this afternoon, you can read whatever you like. Harry, Ginevra, I'll show you the room you can stay in, come on," Severus said and gestured in direction of the third door in the living room. "If you'd like a tour of the house, too, Hermione, you're welcome to follow us."

An hour later found them all lying in their beds wide awake.

Harry and Ginny lay together in the magically expanded double bed in each other's arms. "Could you please pinch my arm, so that I know I'm awake and lying in a bed in Severus Snape's house. If you had told me this morning what was about to happen, I would never have come. But now I am glad I did. I have not forgiven him yet but I think I can now. He seems very sad and very lonely, although he tries to hide it," Ginny whispered. Somehow she was afraid Snape could hear her through the walls. "I know what you mean, love, but I won't pinch you. You know as good as I that this is real. And I also struggle with the fact I lie in the bed of the man I hated for seven years. Now I begin to think I could like him. Strange, isn't it?" Harry tightened the arms around Ginny and both of them slowly drifted into sleep.

Hermione lay on the magical expanded bed and desperately missed Ron. This was the first time she lay alone in a bed in nearly three months. There was no way she would sleep tonight. The thunderstorm seemed to have lessened a bit within the last half hour, but went on nevertheless. Now that all candles were extinguished, shadows crept along the walls with every lightning that lit the room. No, she certainly would not close her eyes this night. Ron was not happy she couldn't return home this night, she had heard it in his voice, but he hadn't complained. She was astounded he did not tell her to be cautious about her staying the night at Snape's home, that must have cost him some restraint, she was sure. Hermione had to smile at the thought.  
After what seemed like another hour, she got up again and went into Snape's library and lit his lamp beneath the arm chair. Reading was so much better than staring at the shadows on the walls. Once again, she was astounded about his collection. She selected a book about advanced charms and began to read.

Severus still was wide awake at two o'clock in the morning. He heard a clunking noise and was out of his bed at once. Perhaps it was only one of his guests that searched for the loo in the darkness but the sound had come from downstairs, he was sure.  
He lit his wand and silently went down the stairs. Slowly he opened the door to the living room in case Hermione was still asleep in there. His eyes met the sight of an empty, dishevelled bed and light that came through under the door of the library. So she had trouble sleeping, too. He tried to blame it on the thunderstorm but deep down inside he knew, her sleeplessness had other reasons.  
He softly knocked on the door of his own library. _Ridiculous_, he thought, _my own house and I knock on doors_. Slowly he opened the door. Hermione had fallen asleep in his armchair and the book she had been reading had fallen on the floor when she had drifted off. Her mouth stood slightly open and her head rested on her arm on the side of his armchair. She had tucked her feet underneath her body and it had to be uncomfortable, Severus thought. He decided not to wake her and fetched the blanket of her bed in the living room.  
Slowly, he approached her but as soon as the blanket came in contact with Hermione's body, she woke up with a start and drew her wand at him, ready to cast a hex. "It's me, Hermione, don't be afraid, I didn't mean to wake you," Severus said softly.  
Hermione realised what she was doing and blushed furiously. "Sorry," she said, looking into his eyes. "I must have fallen asleep, I will return to my bed immediately. Sorry if I somehow woke you up."  
"You didn't. I couldn't sleep and I must have heard the book falling on the floor." Another lightning illuminated the room. "It must be difficult to fall asleep in an unknown house, in my home of all things."  
"No," Hermione said emphatically, "it's nothing to do with your house. I am not able to sleep alone anymore. Without Ron, that is. As soon as I fall asleep and I am alone with nobody to hold me, the nightmares return with a force. I know I have to get over it, but I think I will need another year or so."  
"This is perfectly understandable," Severus replied quietly, "you have nothing to be ashamed of. May I ask what your nightmares are about?"  
"Well, it always starts with Harry. I see Hagrid carrying Harry back to the castle. Dead. And he won't wake up anymore like he did. As much as I shout at him, he doesn't wake up. Then the scene changes into the Shrieking Shack, where I am unable to save you, regardless of what I do. You see, in my nightmare I hesitate too long before I decide to help you and you can't be saved any more. That's the short version of it," Hermione ended with a deep sigh. _He doesn't have to know about the dream of my parents- yet. _  
Severus felt deeply humiliated. So he was one of the reasons for her nightmares. And here she was, telling him about it, trusting him enough to do so. His feelings must, once again, have shown on his face, because Hermione took his hand. He looked up at her astonished at her gesture. "I'm sorry, Severus, I shouldn't have burdened you with this. It's not your fault I have these nightmares. Sorry. I really should return to my bed." She let go of his hand and stood up.  
"Don't be sorry, I am glad you told me. I have the one to be sorry to cause you such distress. Perhaps I should tell you that I am slowly coming to terms with being alive. I do feel grateful that you saved me and perhaps I will be able to have a life now. You alone made it possible, and I should not throw this chance away. I never properly thanked you and I am sorry about that - so - thank you, Hermione."  
"You're welcome, Severus, and thanks for listening, perhaps I can sleep a few more hours."  
"Good night – again- Hermione," Severus said quietly and left the living room again. He went back to his bed and thought about their conversation. Miraculously, the thunderstorm had finally stopped and he fell asleep, knowing he was not alone with his nightmares tonight.

The next morning, the sun shone as if nothing ever happened the day and night before. After a small breakfast with light conversation the three young adults finally stood up to leave again.  
"Thank you, Severus, for your hospitality and the excellent dinner. And most of all for talking to Ginny."  
"Shut it, Harry, I can talk for myself," Ginny said and shook Severus' hand. "Thank you for talking to me and being so honest. I really appreciate it. Perhaps you'd like to come over for dinner to The Burrow when we return for the Christmas holidays?"  
Severus eyes widened but he caught himself quickly. "I would like that – I think." Ginny grinned at him. "OK, we'll see you then. Come, Hermione, let's go home."  
Then Hermione took Severus' hand. "Goodbye Severus, and thank you, for everything. See you at the Burrow, " she said smiling at him.  
She let go of his hand and the three young people disappeared from his front garden. All of a sudden, he felt totally alone. He had enjoyed their company more than he cared to admit. The three and a half months until the Hogwarts holiday would be quite lonely again, but he would get used to it again. He hoped.


	8. Hogwarts

_**A/N : Thanks to everyone who put this story on alert or reviewed. It really makes me happy.  
Many thanks again to my beta Christine.**_

8. Hogwarts

Their return to Hogwarts had been a slight bit different than they had anticipated.  
Of course they had taken the train as they wanted to enjoy this experience for their last school year once again. But as soon as they had stepped on the platform in King's Cross Station all eyes were on them. It had been quite a mayhem until they had found their place on the train. Hermione had expected that Harry would be surrounded immediately but what had happened then was entirely unexpected. All students and parents on the platform had formed a guard of honor for Harry as soon as he had been spotted on the platform. Hermione still wondered if someone had arranged it but it all had seemed very spontaneous.

They clapped and cheered as Harry and his friends made their way to the train. Ginny stayed behind to give this moment to Harry, Hermione and Ron alone. The three friends took each other's hands and slowly walked to the train together. Neither of them said a word and simply relished in the moment. They nodded and smile at the crowd and the cheering grew louder every moment. They didn't speak until they had reached their compartment on the train and had closed the door.  
"What the hell was that?" Ron asked aloud. "It looked as if they were all only waiting for you." "For us, Ron, they waited for us," Harry answered quietly. "I did not do this alone and you know it."  
The journey to Hogwarts was quiet and they all lingered with their own thoughts about their return to the school.  
For once in her lifetime, Hermione hadn't read all schoolbooks for the year upfront. She had enjoyed the free time with Ron during the summer and their relationship had intensified within the last few weeks. After their visit to Snape – _Severus_, she corrected herself – she had been worried because her nightmares had returned the following night with a vengeance. She had woken up screaming and Ron had to shake her to make her wake up. Hermione cried for at least half an hour and could only tell Ron in the evening what her dream had been about. She had dreamt that Ron had died in the final battle. A faceless Death Eater had killed Ron with an _Avada Kedavra_.  
She had seen the Death Eater approach Ron from behind and had raised her own wand but no sound came out of her mouth. She was not able to find her voice to cast a shield - as if someone had cast a _Silencio_ over her. Hermione had started to run towards Ron to protect him but she had been too late and everything had seemed to happen in slow motion. He fell on the ground after the spell had hit him and lay there with his eyes open. He was dead. Hermione had woken up still screaming on the top of her lungs when Ron had brought her out of her dream.

After that night, the nightmares had ceased. As if that last bad one been some kind of catalyst. She still couldn't make sense of that because she certainly didn't feel like she was "over" anything yet and that particular dream hunted her thoughts often during daytime. On the other hand, she was happy that her sleep had improved and she felt more rested as their last school year approached. Of course, Molly, Arthur and the rest of the Order had made a fuss about their security during the train ride to Hogwarts but Harry had argued that he would not let this experience be taken away from him for "some lose Death Eathers", like he called them.  
They hadn't heard from Severus about them again, but then again, when had he ever been forthcoming with information, she mused. Ron had fallen asleep in her lap during the last couple of hours. She stroked his hair absently and reflected on their relationship as they neared the Scottish Highlands. The afternoon sun bathed the landscape in a beautiful golden glow and the view was simply stunning.  
Ron had really been amazing in those last weeks and if she was honest with herself, she hadn't expected that. He had always been at her side when she needed company and left her alone when she didn't. He was very sensitive with the subject of her parents and had promised her to help retrieve their memories after all Death Eaters were caught and it was safe to bring them back to England. She couldn't wait for that day to arrive although she still had some research to do how to accomplish her task. She was not totally sure everything would work out as she once had planned, never mind her parents reactions. But Ron had promised to accompany her and help her through it. Yes, he had been great this last few weeks and she could easily imagine to spend her life with him after they had finished school.

The train slowed down and finally stopped in Hogsmeade. Ron woke up with a start as the train stopped.  
"Hey, sleepyhead." Hermione kissed him on the cheek. After they had gathered their trunks they slowly exited the train with all the other students. All four of them were able to see the Thestrals now and Hermione still shivered at the thought. They shared a carriage for the approach to the castle in their final year. As Hogwarts finally came into view she had to suck in a sharp breath. Certainly, she had read in the Daily Prophet that the castle hadn't been fully rebuilt yet but the state of the castle was nevertheless a shock.  
Some of the outer walls still had holes in them, although only in those parts of the castle that weren't used very often. Some of the towers were still in ruins, although she could see at once that Gryffindor tower was intact. The main entrance was rebuilt but the bridge leading up to the castle still missed some stones and was still closed. It seemed that all students were equally shocked, even the first years, although most of them had never seen the castle before and only knew if from pictures. Hermione began to wonder how it looked on the inside and if the castle was still as secure as it once had been. That thought left her with an uneasy feeling.

All students readily obeyed Hagrid as he led them into the castle and into the Great Hall. This time it was Ron who sucked in a breath as they entered the Great Hall – the ceiling was no longer enchanted. No skies or stars could be seen when one looked up. Only plain dark stone walls. "It doesn't feel the same, does it?" he whispered into Hermione's ear. She could only nod. Of course, they were floating candles in the air and the Great Hall was decorated as ever but the ceiling had played always a great part into Hogwarts magic. "Perhaps Minerva will explain," she whispered back.

It turned out that there simply hadn't been time to reenact the enchantments on the ceiling, as Professor McGonagall had explained before dinner had started. The bedrooms were finished in the very last minute and everyone would have their beds as requested. The Sorting Hat was also in a strange mood and relinquished his usual speech. The new students were sorted without much fuss and Minerva had made a point in her speech about giving the Slytherins a new chance. Hermione was exhausted after the feast although she hadn't done much more than travelling the train during the day. "Come on," she turned to Ron, Harry and Ginny, "let's go find our new rooms."  
Outside the Great Hall they found Professor Sinistra, who was now Head of Gryffindor House. She led them to their new rooms personally and explained how the extra layer of wards worked to strengthen the security to their rooms. It was as they had expected. With the castle being still damaged in some places not all enchantments were in place yet and Hogwarts was not as secure as it once had been. Hermione decided to _not_ worry herself sick about it.

The moment they entered their new chambers, all four of them fell silent. These were the most beautiful chambers Hermione had ever seen within Hogwarts. The living room contained a large red couch with enough space for all four of them and four tables to do their homework. The two sleeping chambers both contained a large double four-poster and even a wardrobe – so no more living out of trunks. Both sleeping chambers shared a bathroom in the middle of them with a large tub and shower and two basins. It was simply perfect and the four seventh years felt like living in a flat share - they all loved it and secretly thought about continuing to live like this after finishing school.  
Professor Sinistra had naturally pointed out that one of the rooms would have to be shared by Ginny and Hermione and the other one by Harry and Ron. With a knowing smile she had added as all of them were of age, there were no spells to detect girls in the men's room and men in the girl's room. Apparently, McGonagall had told her about the exception she had spoken about on Harry's birthday. They all expressed their gratefulness and turned in for the evening.

Ron and Hermione had taken the bedroom on the right side of their chambers and after putting their things in the wardrobe they all met in the living room and lit a fire in the huge fireplace.  
"Isn't it strange ? A whole school year ahead of us with no Voldemort hanging over us all the time? We can simply enjoy the year, it's still hard to take in," Harry said after a while. "Yes, and we can finally _all_ concentrate on our schoolwork, even you, Ron," Hermione answered with a smile.

After a good night's sleep in their new chambers, Ron and Hermione emerged their rooms in direction of the Great Hall for breakfast. It was Sunday and they had enjoyed a lie-in, it was raining heavily outside and they had simply seen no reason to get up any earlier than they had. As they entered the Great Hall, Hermione looked up to the teacher's table and was very surprised to find Severus Snape up there, sitting next to Minerva. He noticed their entrance and acknowledged them with a small nod.  
"What is Snape doing here? Didn't he say he did not want to teach any more nor return to Hogwarts," Ron asked Hermione quietly. "I don't know, Ron. I was sure he would not return, but we'll find out. Come on, let's eat, I'm starving."  
Hermione sat down and while enjoying her delicious Hogwarts breakfast she mused what Severus might be doing here at Hogwarts. She had been sure he wouldn't return. He had invested so much into his new home, why would he return to this place of his most painful memories, his almost death. No, she didn't understand.  
Harry and Ginny joined them a short while later and Harry had a seat next to Hermione. "Morning, Hermione. What the hell is Severus doing here?" "We have no idea, Harry, but we'll find out soon enough," Hermione answered with a sigh.  
They finished their breakfast in silence while everyone seemed to be musing why Severus had returned. No one seemed to be able to come up with an idea that made sense.  
Hermione had watched Severus discussing with Minerva and heavily turned round her thoughts on the reasons for him being here. Had he really turned over his decision within the last ten days? She hadn't imagined Severus as someone to act on impulse. Perhaps she would get a chance to talk to him later. One thing she was sure of : he didn't look very happy to be here.  
"What do you want to do today, Hermione?" Ron asked her as they had finished their breakfast and left the Great Hall. "The weather doesn't look as if it would improve today, so I guess I will finally start my readings for this year," Hermione answered and added, "like you should, too." Ron looked at her mildly displeased. "Not today, Hermione. School starts tomorrow and I will not start reading _any_ my books before school officially starts. Not a chance. Perhaps I'll play a bit of chess with Neville in the common room and if the weather improves, we could go to the lake later, alright?"  
"You know where to find me, then," she grinned and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Of course, darling, when in search of Hermione Granger, go to the library first," he grinned back and left for Gryffindor Tower.  
Hermione went back to their rooms to have a look on the curriculum for this year to decide on the books she would search for in the library. Arithmancy and Potions certainly looked interesting this year, Charms did, too. Well, she would start with Arithmancy and Potions, then and went straight to the library after having made her decision.  
It felt strange to be really alone for the first time in months without one of the others being only next door. Of course there were other students she met while going to the library, but being without Ron, Harry or Ginny nearby certainly felt strange. She almost felt as if she would be missing a limb and it scared her deeply that she had become so dependent on the company of her three friends. That was certainly something she had to work on during the year.

Madame Pince greeted her enthusiastically and showed her where to find the best books she had come searching for. Hermione soon had a large stack of books levitating in front of her towards a desk by one of the large windows.  
After nearly two hours of reading Hermione stretched her limbs and decided to have a break. She asked one of the house elves to bring her some tea and looked out of the window to rest her eyes. It was still pouring outside and the walk around the lake with Ron would have to be postponed to another day. And could it really be that she was not used to reading two hours straight anymore, she asked herself.  
"Enjoying the view, Miss Granger," a deep soft voice interrupted her thoughts. Hermione jumped and spilled her tea. "You startled me, Professor," she answered out of reflex.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to. So, are we back to Professor again? Whatever happened to Severus?" He teased her.  
"You started it by calling me Miss Granger, I guess it was just a reflex. Are you not going to be my Professor again, anyway?" Hermione asked defensively.  
"No, certainly not, Hermione, and I'm quite sure I already told you my reasons." He sat down beside her at the table.  
"Then why are you here, I – we – don't understand. Why would you return here, to this place which is full of bad memories for you? Where you almost died…" She looked into his eyes and she found that he looked quite tense and stressed, not at all like when they had visited him nearly two weeks ago.  
Severus sighed deeply. "I'm here because Minerva asked me to. I'm here to help her with the wards. As soon as we're done, I am going to leave this place. I couldn't refuse when she came to ask me last week and I simply had to overcome my fear to return here. That's all there is to it. I will not be your teacher again. You can be relieved now," he added snidely.  
"I'm not relieved," Hermione answered almost angrily. "You were a good teacher besides your temper and you know it. But how could Minerva ask you to do this? Does she have no compassion at all? I can see how troubled you are by being here. You haven't looked that pale and tired since the hospital I think."  
_How does she do this? One look at me and she sees everything, this isn't good that I can't seem to hide anything from her.  
_"I owe Minerva, my personal feelings do not count here. I think we will finish the wards this evening and then I will return home. There's nothing to worry or be angry about, Granger," he snapped. "It was my own decision after all." _This should shut her up._  
Hermione thought about his harsh reply. So he still wasn't used to compassion and the feeling of being cared for. Fine. She would ignore his temper once again.  
"I can worry about anyone or anything I want, don't you dare patronize me," she shot back. _How had this conversation gotten out of hand so quickly?  
_Hermione took a deep calming breath.  
"So, how bad are the wards?" He looked at her astonished. When had she become so calm and mature?

He would have expected more fuss to follow about Minerva dragging him back to Hogwarts. He certainly hadn't learned too much in controlling his temper in the last three months. Too little human interaction.  
Severus cleared his throat. "Quite bad, actually. That was why Minerva came to me, she needs a powerful wizard she trusts and it seems she could only think of me," he sneered. "The wards are nowhere near as powerful as the ones in place as Albus was still… Headmaster. The apparition wards are back in place, as well as all the wards around the main parts of the castle and all the dormitories. The outer parts of the castle are nearly unprotected. Only after the castle has been fully rebuilt we can try to put up all wards again," he finished unhappily.  
"Try?" Hermione had to ask. "You are not sure you can rebuild all the wards?" "No, I'm not, Hermione. The wards were built over hundreds of years, but we will do as much as we can," Severus tried to reassure her. "This information has to stay between us, as you surely understand," he added. "Well I will tell Harry and Ron, but not Ginny, it will only make her worry too much. So you will have to return here every now and then?" Hermione asked him cautiously.  
"Yes, but I think I will get used to it," Severus answered with a deep sigh. "I will think about the wards and nothing else." _Perhaps I can believe this myself if I say it out loud often enough.  
_Hermione could understand why he would push aside all memories when he had to return to Hogwarts, but it certainly wouldn't do him any good in the long term. But he was an adult and should realize this himself, she thought. Although, being Severus stubborn Snape, perhaps not. She quickly decided to change the subject.

"So, did you find out anything new about the loose Death Eathers? I am slowly getting the feeling they will never be found. It seems like they just vanished."  
Severus once again was astounded about her change of subject and that she didn't pry on his uneasiness to return to Hogwarts. He certainly appreciated it.  
"Well, we followed some hints in Bristol, but there was nothing we could follow from there. There can't be more than fifteen left, anyway, according to my calculations. But I certainly would like to know what they're up to," Severus answered her. He wouldn't go into more detail here. It had been difficult enough to find anything at all.  
"So you are certain they would plan something to take vengeance?" Hermione asked him quietly.  
"Yes, unfortunately, I am," he answered, sounding rather tired now.

Fifty miles outside Ottery St. Catchpole, in a small, very old and very worn cottage, Avery, Crabbe senior and Alecto Carrow had a very meager meal with a thin soup and some nearly spoiled vegetables in it. They couldn't afford more. "So, what will be our next step?" Avery asked, dipping the almost stone hard bread into his soup. "We weren't able to locate Longbottom's grandmother, Lovegood's back at Hogwarts, as well as all the others who will finish their seventh year. The Weasley's place is highly warded and we can't get into it. And Severus, that bloody traitor, seems to have left England, since nobody's ever seen him since he left St. Mungo's," Avery said, chewing on his bread. "I think we will have to make a list and kill one after the other and only after we have finished off one of them, we move forward to the next one. We also have to do something about the food, I refuse to keep eating that rubbish. Why don't we go and rob some Muggle food shops, they'll never catch us," Crabbe suggested.  
"As we are already near to The Burrow, we should concentrate on the Weasleys. They will leave their house one day and will get outside the wards, and we will be there to finish them off - one after the other. We only have to be there in the right time. Avery, you will go and observe them in the next couple of weeks. Alecto and me will continue searching for Andromeda Tonks and the little Lupin, and of course, Granger's parents," Crabbe added.  
"But what about Harry Potter and his friends? They are still our main target, apart from Severus, that bloody traitor. Why not concentrate on them first?" Avery asked. "Because we can't get to them while they're in Hogwarts. It is too well protected. We have to wait for their holidays or after they have finished school. In the meantime, we will teach them to be afraid of us," Crabbe answered with a dark smile.

The following weeks were running by fast and Hermione enjoyed being back to school. Naturally, she was up to date with all her studies and living together in their chambers was exactly what they all needed. Even Hermione's nightmare held at bay and she had nearly forgotten about that dream about Ron. The teachers began to approach the 7th year students about their career plans and options. Hermione practically could choose everything which made the decision even harder for her. Of course she had the desire to attend university, but somehow she couldn't enjoy the perspective without her parents helping her to come to the right decision.  
Ron already had decided to join his brother in their shop and help him expand the owl-ordering business. The shop in Diagon Alley was so successful that more and more people had asked if they could order by owl, too. Molly still helped George with the shop but only part-time, so George had asked Ron if he would be joining him after finishing Hogwarts as his partner. Ron had agreed happily and Hermione was happy that he had decided to stick with his family.  
That of course didn't help Hermione with her decision. So Ron would work in London and she still hadn't been able to even narrow down her options. She loved charms, Arithmancy and potions, even history of magic, but what could one make out of these subjects for a job to fulfil one's life. If possible, she would have loved to combine everything, but there certainly was no "Charms-Arithmancy-Potions-History mistress" she had ever heard of. She decided to postpone her decision to the Christmas holidays, where she would have time to think and reflect on her skills and her passion for every one of it. The first thing she would love to do after having finished school was to bring back her parents, but that still all depended on the success of Kingsley's men and Severus.

On October 31st, a couple of hours before the annual Halloween feast, Severus sat at the High Table for breakfast again. The castle was now completely rebuilt and Hermione had already expected him to return soon. He didn't look any better than the last time he had been here, he looked tense and pale and clearly unhappy. It certainly didn't do him any good to return to Hogwarts regularly, Hermione mused. How could Minerva take advantage of Severus like that and not help him overcome his fear of being in this very place where he had to murder Albus. She had to see how Severus had to suffer and even Ron had mentioned that Severus looked quite ill when he had spotted him at the High Table.  
The information that Severus Snape had returned to Hogwarts once in a while had of course leaked through to public after his first attendance at the High Table back in September. Some of the students had written back home and of course a couple of parents had reported the fact to The Daily Prophet.  
There were rumours why he had returned and most centered about the Hogwarts wards, but no other information had leaked out. Still, nobody knew where he lived and what he did for a living. Severus still hated the fact he had to sit there in public – Minerva had insisted on it - and so his presence at the school was highly noticed. Perhaps Hermione was right and it was time to talk back to Minerva. She had made him come here and help which had stressed him quite enough and now she insisted that he sat here with the other teachers to get reacquainted with his former colleagues. Which didn't work because they all either still hated him or feared him too much to approach him. It was fine for him. He didn't need their company, their hate or their pity. He just hated being exposed.  
If Minerva ever made him return to Hogwarts again, he wouldn't give in so easily.

The weather was relatively warm and sunny for the end of October and the two couples took a walk across the Hogwarts grounds and talk about the upcoming Halloween feast that evening. "So what are you going to be tonight, Hermione," Ron asked her, "will you tell me now or is it still a secret?" Hermione shrugged and grinned innocently and him. "Be patient, you will see it tonight."  
Hermione had only come up with an idea for a costume yesterday and had constantly told Ron and Harry that it was a secret. In the end, as she helped Ginny select her costume – a Veela's dress that would certainly impress Harry and annoy Ron because of it's sexy cut, Hermione had decided to go for a cat costume. For her, it stood for finally getting over that horrible Polyjuice incident and be able to laugh about it now and all their adventures that happened during her Hogwarts time. Not everything had been overshadowed by Voldemort's presence and some things actually had been fun. She could count the Polyjuice incident as fun now although she certainly had not been able to in her second year, and she would point that out to her friends tonight.

As they had rounded the lake and were slowly returning to the castle, Hermione saw a lone figure standing near the entrance of Dumbledore's white marble tomb. His black hair waved in the strong autumn wind and she instantly felt a large wave of sympathy for Severus Snape washing over her. It had to be very difficult for him to even approach Dumbledore's tomb. She tugged at Ron's hand. "Look, there's Severus over there at Dumbledore's tomb. I'm going over to talk to him. You go ahead with Harry and Ginny, alright?"  
"If you must," Ron answered her. "But he really looks like he could use some company. See you later," he added and kissed her, before he let go of her hand.

On her way over to Severus, Hermione began to ask herself what she could say to Severus. Would he even want her company for approaching Dumbledore's grave? He had dealt with everything alone during his life, so why had she always give in to the impulse to help him. She couldn't understand herself. Severus had heard her approaching and slowly turned towards her. "What are you doing here?" He asked. No hello, so small talk, but not entirely unfriendly.  
"I'm not sure, to be honest. I saw you standing here and you looked so lonely and tense that I simply had to come over. It wasn't a really conscious decision. I thought you might need some company. If you don't want me here, I'll go," Hermione added quietly and suddenly felt quite foolish to talk like this to a man who was nearly twice her age. A long and awkward pause followed and Severus stayed silent. _Am I really that obvious? _Severus thought.  
Hermione decided to go and turned. If he wanted her there, he would have said it. His voice stopped her after her first steps.  
"I always did everything alone. I forced myself to do this but now I am standing here in front of his grave and I find I can not do it alone. I don't have the strength anymore, it's simply gone." He hesitated and looked into her eyes when she turned around. Sounding quite sad and embarrassed, he added "I would really appreciate you coming with me."

Half an hour later, Hermione joined her friends back in the Common Room. She sat down next to Ron and leaned back against him. "How did it go?" he asked. "He really let me accompany him and I think he got some kind of closure with Professor Dumbledore. He didn't say anything aloud in there but I think it helped him. He certainly looked unburdened when we left. He even thanked me for supporting him and told they have finished the wards today so he will not return here if he doesn't have to."  
"You really are much too nice to him I think, but it's your decision. It is enough for me to have him spend Christmas with us," Ron complained.  
"I have to get ready for tonight, I'll head for our rooms and start changing into my costume," Hermione said grinning at Ron. "And don't you dare sneaking in Ginny's room while we get dressed."  
While she changed, Hermione once again thought about her encounter with Severus. She still wasn't sure why she had approached him at all. He had looked so lonely and perhaps that had reminded her of the emptiness she had seen in his eyes back at the hospital after he had woken up. She just wasn't able to leave him to his own devices.

The Halloween feast would be remembered as the best that had ever been held at Hogwarts. The Great Hall was fully enchanted and for the first time ever, there was a mixture of Wizarding and Muggle music.  
Everybody had a good laugh at Hermione when she entered the Great Hall as a cat with her head held high. She looked quite sexy to Ron in her cat leggings and furry top and little cat ears on top of her hair. Harry was speechless as he saw Ginny approach him in her Veela's costume and didn't let her out of sight for one second during that night. All worries were forgotten this evening and the night was filled with laughter and happy spirit and they ended up dancing late into the night since the music was so good.  
The Professor's didn't seem to have the heart to send them all into bed earlier than absolutely necessary. It was a Friday anyway and everybody could have a lie-in on Saturday. The students should be able to celebrate after those last seven years – and they did.

The next morning, Hermione and Ron had a very late breakfast and a splitting headache from too much punch. As they pushed around the scrambled eggs on their plates, the Daily Prophet arrived together with a letter from Arthur and Molly for Ron and Ginny. Hermione paid the owl and nearly spilled her coffee as she read the headline of the newspaper. _"Weasley's Whizard Wheezes- attacked by escaped Death Eaters."_


End file.
